Inside my head, buried deep in the crevice between left brain and right, hides a little red button. It's my SELF DESTRUCT button, and underneath it hangs a sign that reads (in bold print, I might add) DO NOT PUSH. To me, these instructions are simple to follow. Obviously, if you push the button something bad is bound to happen. BUT...I also have a tiny little troll living in my head, and we all know trolls are not ones to follow simple instructions, or adhere to what is considered socially acceptable or politically correct.
So as it happens, this tiny little troll, who we'll call Chris (because the biggest ass I ever met in my life was named Chris) LOVES calamity...LIVES for chaos. And sometimes, just to screw with me, he sneaks up and he PUSHES that damn button! For example: Three-and-a-half years ago, I was waiting for my now-husband, then-boyfriend to ask me to marry him. I knew he had the ring, I knew he was going to propose...it was just a matter of when. And I was fine with waiting... Sure, it was hard, but I knew he was going to do it. So who cares when, right? We went out on St. Patty's day because my MIL took Hannah for the weekend. I was positive this was when he was going to ask me. We had a great time...one of our best dates ever. We get home (after drinking several glasses of green beer, I might add), and suddenly, Chris pushed my red button. He had to have pushed it several times, too, because I suddenly turned into Mr. Hyde on my poor now-husband, then-boyfriend. And I couldn't stop either. It was like watching a train wreck...like I was floating outside myself, watching me harass him and yell at him and push his buttons and I just wanted to slap that crazy bitch and say SHUT UP, STUPID! YOU'RE GONNA SCARE HIM AWAY! But I was powerless, so I just floated there, watching the havoc wreaked by that little bastard Chris.
I could reminisce on twenty or thirty examples just like this, but suffice to say, that Chris has screwed me over many, many times. Sometimes he pushes it when things are going well (which pisses me off even more), but sometimes he does it when things are already CRAPPY. Then he just makes everything colossally worse.
Like this past Saturday, when Mike and I had a fight. It was a simple fight to begin with...but the moment he started hinting at the idea that he wasn't as happy as he used to be, Chris snuck up and pushed my button. And suddenly I find myself saying things with the intent of pushing him away. Some people may think this is a defense mechanism (you're frightened so you try and end it first so you don't get surprised/kicked in the balls/have your heart ripped out), but I'm pretty sure it's just that nasty little shit screwing with me. So here I am, trying to induce divorce, when Mike gets mad and storms out of the house, and I hop in the shower, giving me time to counteract the self-destruct process. The fight wound up lasting for a day and a half, before I finally told him I didn't want to fight anymore, and we both agreed that was best.
Sometimes Chris pushes my button when I'm having a conversation...just to see what stupid thing will come out of my mouth. Like at interviews, or when I'm visiting with my in-laws. And I can't stop it. The crap just keeps spewing out of my mouth. And I know I should stop, but I can't.
So there you have it...a confession detailing my biggest quirk - a mythical figure living in my brain with an affinity for raising hell.
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