You...

You've crossed my mind a lot lately. It doesn't take much to stop me dead in my tracks... your favorite song on the radio, a sudden breeze, a glorious sunset... Seems I'm thinking about you all the time these days. I really miss you, although it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to remember you. I remember things, but I can't remember you. I can recall jokes that made you laugh, things that made you cry, how much you loved adventure and drawing and playing guitar. But I can't quite grasp the color of your eyes... can't really remember what your voice sounded like, or your laugh. It's getting harder for me to recall what you looked like towards the end of your life. In fact, I don't even think I can really remember what you looked like the last time I saw you. How long was your hair? What were you wearing? What shape were your glasses? Did you smile? All I remember was giving you that sketchbook and some pencils for a belated birthday gift and you starting a picture for me that, to my knowledge, was never finished. I miss our talks. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I lay there wishing I could talk to you again. It's getting harder as the years go by, I think. In just about a week, it'll be nine years since you left us. With every birthday, every Christmas, I miss you a little more.... and with every birthday, and every Christmas, a little more of my memory of you fades. It's almost to the point where you don't quite seem real to me anymore. Like you were just a dream I had once....a dream I loved so much, but never really knew how to show it. I remember hugging you once. We were at Pappy's...remember? I remember I had told Dad how much it bothered me that I never said I loved you, and that I couldn't remember the last time I even tried to hug you, which seemed silly because I was closer to you than almost anyone else. So you got up to leave dinner, and I stood up and demanded that you hug me. You weren't the happiest about it on the outside, but I really think on the inside, you were smiling. Dad asked me later if I felt better and I said, "you betcha". That didn't even begin to explain it. Anyway.... I just wish I could see you...talk with you. I have dreams about you sometimes, but you're always so elusive. Usually it's just a brief cameo, a flash of my subconscious, and you're gone. I wonder if it's your way of telling me all is well, and you're doing just fine. It's never easy for me to think about you. Sometimes I still blink back the tears. It's definitely not easy to talk about you. Your name gets caught in my throat still... like it's been rolled in pieces of glass and it causes me physical pain to actually utter it. So when Hannah found your picture the other day, and asked who you were, I was so tempted to lie to her. I wasn't ready to tell her, not yet. didn't even know how. she's only five, and it's not something she can ever understand, much less at five. I looked frantically at Mike, not knowing what to say or how to react. He looked at her, quite calmly, and said, "That's your Uncle Josh." Hannah said, "Have I ever met him?" And Mike said, "No, sweetie, and you never will. Josh is in Heaven with God." She said, "Because he died?" Mike just said, "Yes, sweetie, because he died." I don't know how, or why, but for some reason, she chose to leave it at that. She mentioned that Nana's mommy and daddy were with God too, then started looking at other pictures. You would love her so very much... She's amazing. Even when she's being unbelievably bratty, it's still awe-inspiring how clever she is. She's so quick to understand things and eager to learn. She reminds me of you like that. You were always so smart.... and eager.... it's easy to tell she's your niece. I wish you could meet both my girls, and Mike. It's so hard for me to accept that someone who was such a big part of my life, for my whole life up till the summer before senior year of high school, will never know the people who now have become my whole world. I want you to know I miss you. I want you to know that my life...all our lives...are different without you. I want you to know that I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved you...no one should ever have to live their life not knowing for sure whether or not they're loved. Most of all, I want you to know that I would have saved you if I could. I would have done anything....ANYTHING.... to save you if I could. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope, with everything I am, that somewhere, somehow, you've finally found some peace. I love you, Josh... Goodnight, rest well...