I had a moment yesterday. It was one of those moments that kind of sneaks up on you and gives you a swift kick in the ass...the kind that makes you feel like you can't breathe, makes you feel disoriented. It was the kind of moment that scares the living shit out of you, and leaves you standing there wondering what to do next.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
