Inside my head, buried deep in the crevice between left brain and right, hides a little red button. It's my SELF DESTRUCT button, and underneath it hangs a sign that reads (in bold print, I might add) DO NOT PUSH. To me, these instructions are simple to follow. Obviously, if you push the button something bad is bound to happen. BUT...I also have a tiny little troll living in my head, and we all know trolls are not ones to follow simple instructions, or adhere to what is considered socially acceptable or politically correct.
So as it happens, this tiny little troll, who we'll call Chris (because the biggest ass I ever met in my life was named Chris) LOVES calamity...LIVES for chaos. And sometimes, just to screw with me, he sneaks up and he PUSHES that damn button! For example: Three-and-a-half years ago, I was waiting for my now-husband, then-boyfriend to ask me to marry him. I knew he had the ring, I knew he was going to propose...it was just a matter of when. And I was fine with waiting... Sure, it was hard, but I knew he was going to do it. So who cares when, right? We went out on St. Patty's day because my MIL took Hannah for the weekend. I was positive this was when he was going to ask me. We had a great time...one of our best dates ever. We get home (after drinking several glasses of green beer, I might add), and suddenly, Chris pushed my red button. He had to have pushed it several times, too, because I suddenly turned into Mr. Hyde on my poor now-husband, then-boyfriend. And I couldn't stop either. It was like watching a train wreck...like I was floating outside myself, watching me harass him and yell at him and push his buttons and I just wanted to slap that crazy bitch and say SHUT UP, STUPID! YOU'RE GONNA SCARE HIM AWAY! But I was powerless, so I just floated there, watching the havoc wreaked by that little bastard Chris.
I could reminisce on twenty or thirty examples just like this, but suffice to say, that Chris has screwed me over many, many times. Sometimes he pushes it when things are going well (which pisses me off even more), but sometimes he does it when things are already CRAPPY. Then he just makes everything colossally worse.
Like this past Saturday, when Mike and I had a fight. It was a simple fight to begin with...but the moment he started hinting at the idea that he wasn't as happy as he used to be, Chris snuck up and pushed my button. And suddenly I find myself saying things with the intent of pushing him away. Some people may think this is a defense mechanism (you're frightened so you try and end it first so you don't get surprised/kicked in the balls/have your heart ripped out), but I'm pretty sure it's just that nasty little shit screwing with me. So here I am, trying to induce divorce, when Mike gets mad and storms out of the house, and I hop in the shower, giving me time to counteract the self-destruct process. The fight wound up lasting for a day and a half, before I finally told him I didn't want to fight anymore, and we both agreed that was best.
Sometimes Chris pushes my button when I'm having a conversation...just to see what stupid thing will come out of my mouth. Like at interviews, or when I'm visiting with my in-laws. And I can't stop it. The crap just keeps spewing out of my mouth. And I know I should stop, but I can't.
So there you have it...a confession detailing my biggest quirk - a mythical figure living in my brain with an affinity for raising hell.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
You...
You've crossed my mind a lot lately. It doesn't take much to stop me dead in my tracks... your favorite song on the radio, a sudden breeze, a glorious sunset... Seems I'm thinking about you all the time these days. I really miss you, although it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to remember you. I remember things, but I can't remember you. I can recall jokes that made you laugh, things that made you cry, how much you loved adventure and drawing and playing guitar. But I can't quite grasp the color of your eyes... can't really remember what your voice sounded like, or your laugh. It's getting harder for me to recall what you looked like towards the end of your life. In fact, I don't even think I can really remember what you looked like the last time I saw you. How long was your hair? What were you wearing? What shape were your glasses? Did you smile? All I remember was giving you that sketchbook and some pencils for a belated birthday gift and you starting a picture for me that, to my knowledge, was never finished. I miss our talks. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I lay there wishing I could talk to you again. It's getting harder as the years go by, I think. In just about a week, it'll be nine years since you left us. With every birthday, every Christmas, I miss you a little more.... and with every birthday, and every Christmas, a little more of my memory of you fades. It's almost to the point where you don't quite seem real to me anymore. Like you were just a dream I had once....a dream I loved so much, but never really knew how to show it. I remember hugging you once. We were at Pappy's...remember? I remember I had told Dad how much it bothered me that I never said I loved you, and that I couldn't remember the last time I even tried to hug you, which seemed silly because I was closer to you than almost anyone else. So you got up to leave dinner, and I stood up and demanded that you hug me. You weren't the happiest about it on the outside, but I really think on the inside, you were smiling. Dad asked me later if I felt better and I said, "you betcha". That didn't even begin to explain it. Anyway.... I just wish I could see you...talk with you. I have dreams about you sometimes, but you're always so elusive. Usually it's just a brief cameo, a flash of my subconscious, and you're gone. I wonder if it's your way of telling me all is well, and you're doing just fine. It's never easy for me to think about you. Sometimes I still blink back the tears. It's definitely not easy to talk about you. Your name gets caught in my throat still... like it's been rolled in pieces of glass and it causes me physical pain to actually utter it. So when Hannah found your picture the other day, and asked who you were, I was so tempted to lie to her. I wasn't ready to tell her, not yet. didn't even know how. she's only five, and it's not something she can ever understand, much less at five. I looked frantically at Mike, not knowing what to say or how to react. He looked at her, quite calmly, and said, "That's your Uncle Josh." Hannah said, "Have I ever met him?" And Mike said, "No, sweetie, and you never will. Josh is in Heaven with God." She said, "Because he died?" Mike just said, "Yes, sweetie, because he died." I don't know how, or why, but for some reason, she chose to leave it at that. She mentioned that Nana's mommy and daddy were with God too, then started looking at other pictures. You would love her so very much... She's amazing. Even when she's being unbelievably bratty, it's still awe-inspiring how clever she is. She's so quick to understand things and eager to learn. She reminds me of you like that. You were always so smart.... and eager.... it's easy to tell she's your niece. I wish you could meet both my girls, and Mike. It's so hard for me to accept that someone who was such a big part of my life, for my whole life up till the summer before senior year of high school, will never know the people who now have become my whole world. I want you to know I miss you. I want you to know that my life...all our lives...are different without you. I want you to know that I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved you...no one should ever have to live their life not knowing for sure whether or not they're loved. Most of all, I want you to know that I would have saved you if I could. I would have done anything....ANYTHING.... to save you if I could. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope, with everything I am, that somewhere, somehow, you've finally found some peace. I love you, Josh... Goodnight, rest well...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Once upon a time...
....She was my best friend, my confidant, my other half. We could go days or weeks without talking and still know that the moment one of us picked up the phone, the other would be there with a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and a bottle of wine. We were going to be the ones whose friendship stood the test of time, survived romances and breakups, and overcame any obstacles together. We were like sisters, but in a different, more personal way. We relied on each other for anything and everything. She was the one person I believed would never let me down. When she decided to move away for a year, I supported her in her decision so much so that, when she told me she wanted to stay for me because she would miss me and Hannah too much, I told her if she didn`t go out and live her life and experience new things she would regret it forever. So she moved someplace far, far away. We talked all the time and I missed her unberably, but I took comfort in knowing it was a brief thing, that she`d be home very soon. Then she started talking differently and I soon realized that she wouldn`t be home so soon... she was starting to make friends and wanted to stay another year to see what happened. And then there was...him. Not only has he managed to convince her that he`s enough for her, he makes her feel guilty for needing anyone else in her life. She now only calls me when she`s depressed and missing us to the point of tears. But despite the fact that it breaks my heart a little more each time, and despite the fact that i fall into a deep funk for days after, i will always pick up the phone, because underneath it all, she`s still the same girl I`ve known since I was thirteen. Wild horses couldn`t drag me away from her, and it`s going to take more than a controlling piece of shit with a nice face and smooth words to seperate us. Because when you love someone the way i've love her for so many years, it takes all the power of the sun to pry them out of your heart. But aside from loving her, all i can do is pray like crazy thet she finds the right path and ultimately returns to the awesome person she once was...no matter how hard it may be, i have to let go.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Oh, Crop!!!
This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!
Oh, Crop!!!
This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
It's been a while...
I can't believe my last blog was posted on May 26th!! I'm such a slacker!
Things have been changing rapidly in our house over the past few weeks. But where do I begin? Let's start with Hannah:
Hannah learned how to tie her shoes last week. This was quite a feat for her, and I have my friend Ashley Pond to thank for it. She's a teacher and she uses a little rhyme to teach her kids to tie their shoes: "Shoelace 1, Shoelace 2, Over, under, through. Bunny ear, Bunny ear, Over, under through!" As soon as Hannah memorized this rhyme, she had it down. It was awesome! She's also starting to become more interested in girly stuff. She wants to play dress-up, do make-up and have tea parties. She's playing with barbies and stuff more too. It seems our little tomboy is growing up into a sassy little sweetheart! It's so much fun to watch her develop into the wonderful little lady she's becoming!
Hayley has made a few new accomplishments as well. She started on meats, which she's none too excited about and spits them back out at me every chance she gets. But it's what's for dinner, so she eventually eats some of it! Today she started dancing when the music came on for the Local on the 8's on the Weather Channel. She was totally rocking out! Hands up in the air, head bobbing, body wiggling type of rocking out! It was soooo cute. Then, shortly after that, she decided she wanted to play with sis and stood up using the coffee table to see what sis was up to. When she realized she was two feet away from her, she started using the table to help her walk down to where the action was! She's never actually cruised before, and we were pretty excited about it!
It's so much fun to watch them play together. The older they both get, the better they are at interacting on a fun and adorable way. Hayley climbs all over Hannah, chewing on her and drooling on her and screaming giggles, and Hannah laughs so hard she almost pees herself! My girls... the highlight of most every day!
On the subject of me, and how I'm doing... It's getting better all the time. Now that the weather is nice, we've been getting out a lot more, which is good for my mentality. It was a long, difficult winter being locked up in the house with the girls 24/7. But, it is getting better. We're starting to have a little extra money (not much, but some) so we can actually go places once in a while. Hannah and I went to garage sales last Friday, and it was incredibly good for both of us to just be out of the house all day.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately as well. It's been over a month now since I've been to church, and that bothers me. Not that I feel I need to be in church to talk to God, but being around other people who are all involved in worship gives one a certain feeling of closeness to Him that you don't necessarily find anywhere else. Sometimes I like to just stand outside and look around. It's beautiful out here during the summer, and it reminds me of exactly what God is capable of, especially when I hear the laughter of my little ones in the background. I've been reading the Bible on occasion as well, something I hadn't really done a lot of before.
Aside from the religious side of soul searching, I've been thinking about myself as a person and how I've developed over the past 10 years. It occurred to me yesterday that I'm not necessarily happy with the person I've become. Sure, I'm a pretty nice lady and all... but I feel I've become somewhat jaded. Maybe even a little cynical. I frequently doubt the goodness in people, and think things about people that I shouldn't. It amazes me that 10 years ago, I was a girl with very strong opinions... I believed that peace on earth was possible, and that love is love no matter what form it comes in, and that every person on this planet deserves to be treated fairly and equally, regardless of race, religion or lifestyle. I can't help but wonder what happened to that girl. I know things are not as black-and-white as they seem to a 16 year old girl. I'm not silly enough to think that I had it all right back then. But I can't figure out where my opinions changed so drastically, or ever why. I suppose I started watching too much news, listening to other people too much, allowing others to form my opinions for me. I read this book not too long ago that made me dramatically question my beliefs about several things. And I think I've come to a conclusion: That 16 year old girl was much closer to being right about life than this 25 year old woman. I'm not saying she knew more, but she was more fair, and much more kind. As I strive to reconnect with the person I used to be, I rely heavily on music and prayer to keep me centered. I'm hoping that my friends and my family can come along for the ride as well.
"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."
~Peace Pilgrim
"A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood." ~Rachel Carson
Things have been changing rapidly in our house over the past few weeks. But where do I begin? Let's start with Hannah:
Hannah learned how to tie her shoes last week. This was quite a feat for her, and I have my friend Ashley Pond to thank for it. She's a teacher and she uses a little rhyme to teach her kids to tie their shoes: "Shoelace 1, Shoelace 2, Over, under, through. Bunny ear, Bunny ear, Over, under through!" As soon as Hannah memorized this rhyme, she had it down. It was awesome! She's also starting to become more interested in girly stuff. She wants to play dress-up, do make-up and have tea parties. She's playing with barbies and stuff more too. It seems our little tomboy is growing up into a sassy little sweetheart! It's so much fun to watch her develop into the wonderful little lady she's becoming!
Hayley has made a few new accomplishments as well. She started on meats, which she's none too excited about and spits them back out at me every chance she gets. But it's what's for dinner, so she eventually eats some of it! Today she started dancing when the music came on for the Local on the 8's on the Weather Channel. She was totally rocking out! Hands up in the air, head bobbing, body wiggling type of rocking out! It was soooo cute. Then, shortly after that, she decided she wanted to play with sis and stood up using the coffee table to see what sis was up to. When she realized she was two feet away from her, she started using the table to help her walk down to where the action was! She's never actually cruised before, and we were pretty excited about it!
It's so much fun to watch them play together. The older they both get, the better they are at interacting on a fun and adorable way. Hayley climbs all over Hannah, chewing on her and drooling on her and screaming giggles, and Hannah laughs so hard she almost pees herself! My girls... the highlight of most every day!
On the subject of me, and how I'm doing... It's getting better all the time. Now that the weather is nice, we've been getting out a lot more, which is good for my mentality. It was a long, difficult winter being locked up in the house with the girls 24/7. But, it is getting better. We're starting to have a little extra money (not much, but some) so we can actually go places once in a while. Hannah and I went to garage sales last Friday, and it was incredibly good for both of us to just be out of the house all day.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately as well. It's been over a month now since I've been to church, and that bothers me. Not that I feel I need to be in church to talk to God, but being around other people who are all involved in worship gives one a certain feeling of closeness to Him that you don't necessarily find anywhere else. Sometimes I like to just stand outside and look around. It's beautiful out here during the summer, and it reminds me of exactly what God is capable of, especially when I hear the laughter of my little ones in the background. I've been reading the Bible on occasion as well, something I hadn't really done a lot of before.
Aside from the religious side of soul searching, I've been thinking about myself as a person and how I've developed over the past 10 years. It occurred to me yesterday that I'm not necessarily happy with the person I've become. Sure, I'm a pretty nice lady and all... but I feel I've become somewhat jaded. Maybe even a little cynical. I frequently doubt the goodness in people, and think things about people that I shouldn't. It amazes me that 10 years ago, I was a girl with very strong opinions... I believed that peace on earth was possible, and that love is love no matter what form it comes in, and that every person on this planet deserves to be treated fairly and equally, regardless of race, religion or lifestyle. I can't help but wonder what happened to that girl. I know things are not as black-and-white as they seem to a 16 year old girl. I'm not silly enough to think that I had it all right back then. But I can't figure out where my opinions changed so drastically, or ever why. I suppose I started watching too much news, listening to other people too much, allowing others to form my opinions for me. I read this book not too long ago that made me dramatically question my beliefs about several things. And I think I've come to a conclusion: That 16 year old girl was much closer to being right about life than this 25 year old woman. I'm not saying she knew more, but she was more fair, and much more kind. As I strive to reconnect with the person I used to be, I rely heavily on music and prayer to keep me centered. I'm hoping that my friends and my family can come along for the ride as well.
"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."
~Peace Pilgrim
"A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood." ~Rachel Carson
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ch-ch-ch-changes
The last couple of weeks have been like a giant roller coaster for me. One minute I'm happy as can be, walking on air, confident that tomorrow will be even better than today. The next, I'm practically in tears. No, I'm not bipolar...at least I don't think I am. I can pinpoint the outside influences that are making me feel this way, so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe I let them get to me more than I should, but that's just how I am.
Hayley is getting so big. A week and a half ago, she decided to up and quit nursing. It was very out of the blue for me, even though I realized she was getting less interested in latching on and more interested in her ba-ba, which allowed her to see around the room during feeding time. It's a good thing, I suppose. It was easy on her to switch to the bottle, there was no being up all night crying or anything like that, so I suppose I should be grateful. But the fact of the matter is, it left me incredibly depressed. I miss that bond, and I can't believe eight months have gone by so quickly. She's becoming less dependant on me, which is the natural order of things of course.... but that doesn't make it any harder for me. My baby experience with Hayley was the exact opposite of the one I had with Hannah. I was sur eof myself and what I was doing, and everything has gone much smoother... this gave me the opportunity to just let go and bond with her. This is not to say that I love Hayley more...just that I loved her sooner. With Hannah, I couldn't wait till she was bigger, so I could quit nursing (she had the most painful latch) and not feel guilty. I couldn't wait to not have to carry her around everywhere, and have her constantly looking to me for answers I didn't feel I could give. Well, over the past five years, I have grown more comfortablle in my role as mommy. (Of course I bitch sometimes... don't we all? But I am very thankful for my babies, regardless of anything.) Now that I am comfortable in that role, I feel it allows me to just enjoy motherhood rather than constantly worrying whether or not I'm good at it, or whether or not I'm doing it right. So now that I've learned to take a step back and enjoy it, it's heartbreaking to me that Hayley is growing out of her infancy so quickly. She already throws tantrums, for crying out loud. I wasn't prepared for that! It definitely took me by surprise when, upon having a newspaper pried from her fingers, she proceeded to throw herself onto the floor, kicking and screaming, for a solid two minutes. At eight months. Something tells me I'm in for quite a ride.
Another change that has prompted my fluxuating mood is the fact that I am now faced with being forced to return to full-time employment outside the home. From the beginning of my first pregnancy, we decided I would stay at home with the kids and return to college, allowing me to get my degree and start my career upon Hannah's entrance into kindergarten. When we had Hayley, I was not only prepared to wait longer to begin my career, I was sold on it. I hate the idea of sending my little baby to daycare. I understand people do this everyday, all of the time... but when you've been a stay-at-home-mom for so long, the prospect of returning to work can be more than intimidating. And the idea of not being around my little ones (specifically Hayley who is learning to do so much and changes drastically every single day) so I can go off to work for 45 hours a week makes me want to cry. I've seen what it does to other moms to not have that time with their children, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, on the same hand, I must do what I must do to take care of my family. We're having difficulty making ends meet right now, so I've got to go. There seems to be no other option at this point. It's ruining my marriage and putting way too much stress on the whole family for us to be in such financial turmoil. I just pray that I can find something VERY soon.
I've been having family issues in other ways as well. My relationship with my parents has become.....strained. I don't really want to go into it too much, but suffice to say that my father and I didn't really speak for like a week, which is the longest we'bve ever gone, and the reasons behind this have affected our relationship... changed it somehow... It's not quite as cozy-warm-and-fuzzy feeling as it used to be. I think it could get better again, but it may not. And I can't help but think how much I'll miss the way it was if it doesn't bounce back.
We had Hannah's birthday party last weekend as well. My baby is five. She's been five for like a month now, but it didn't really sink in until we through a big party for her. I've gone into detail in past blogs about how this makes me feel, so I don't really feel I need to reiterate. Let's just say, it's been a tough time for me. When your child rolls her eyes at you for freaking out when she trips and falls, it's probably time to let go. She's ready to be a big girl, to be a kindergartener, and I just need to step back and let her.
"Just" seems to be the word of the month, and it's JUST difficult for me to JUST let go and let God. I can tell everyone else that till I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to follow my own advice. I feel broken-hearted and loved at the same time. I feel hopeful, yet distraught. I'm happy, even though this big part of me wants to be sad, and I'm sad even though a lot of me wants to be happy. It's a very confusing time for me right now, and I'm having difficulty adjusting. BUT....at this point... I JUST need to.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France
Hayley is getting so big. A week and a half ago, she decided to up and quit nursing. It was very out of the blue for me, even though I realized she was getting less interested in latching on and more interested in her ba-ba, which allowed her to see around the room during feeding time. It's a good thing, I suppose. It was easy on her to switch to the bottle, there was no being up all night crying or anything like that, so I suppose I should be grateful. But the fact of the matter is, it left me incredibly depressed. I miss that bond, and I can't believe eight months have gone by so quickly. She's becoming less dependant on me, which is the natural order of things of course.... but that doesn't make it any harder for me. My baby experience with Hayley was the exact opposite of the one I had with Hannah. I was sur eof myself and what I was doing, and everything has gone much smoother... this gave me the opportunity to just let go and bond with her. This is not to say that I love Hayley more...just that I loved her sooner. With Hannah, I couldn't wait till she was bigger, so I could quit nursing (she had the most painful latch) and not feel guilty. I couldn't wait to not have to carry her around everywhere, and have her constantly looking to me for answers I didn't feel I could give. Well, over the past five years, I have grown more comfortablle in my role as mommy. (Of course I bitch sometimes... don't we all? But I am very thankful for my babies, regardless of anything.) Now that I am comfortable in that role, I feel it allows me to just enjoy motherhood rather than constantly worrying whether or not I'm good at it, or whether or not I'm doing it right. So now that I've learned to take a step back and enjoy it, it's heartbreaking to me that Hayley is growing out of her infancy so quickly. She already throws tantrums, for crying out loud. I wasn't prepared for that! It definitely took me by surprise when, upon having a newspaper pried from her fingers, she proceeded to throw herself onto the floor, kicking and screaming, for a solid two minutes. At eight months. Something tells me I'm in for quite a ride.
Another change that has prompted my fluxuating mood is the fact that I am now faced with being forced to return to full-time employment outside the home. From the beginning of my first pregnancy, we decided I would stay at home with the kids and return to college, allowing me to get my degree and start my career upon Hannah's entrance into kindergarten. When we had Hayley, I was not only prepared to wait longer to begin my career, I was sold on it. I hate the idea of sending my little baby to daycare. I understand people do this everyday, all of the time... but when you've been a stay-at-home-mom for so long, the prospect of returning to work can be more than intimidating. And the idea of not being around my little ones (specifically Hayley who is learning to do so much and changes drastically every single day) so I can go off to work for 45 hours a week makes me want to cry. I've seen what it does to other moms to not have that time with their children, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, on the same hand, I must do what I must do to take care of my family. We're having difficulty making ends meet right now, so I've got to go. There seems to be no other option at this point. It's ruining my marriage and putting way too much stress on the whole family for us to be in such financial turmoil. I just pray that I can find something VERY soon.
I've been having family issues in other ways as well. My relationship with my parents has become.....strained. I don't really want to go into it too much, but suffice to say that my father and I didn't really speak for like a week, which is the longest we'bve ever gone, and the reasons behind this have affected our relationship... changed it somehow... It's not quite as cozy-warm-and-fuzzy feeling as it used to be. I think it could get better again, but it may not. And I can't help but think how much I'll miss the way it was if it doesn't bounce back.
We had Hannah's birthday party last weekend as well. My baby is five. She's been five for like a month now, but it didn't really sink in until we through a big party for her. I've gone into detail in past blogs about how this makes me feel, so I don't really feel I need to reiterate. Let's just say, it's been a tough time for me. When your child rolls her eyes at you for freaking out when she trips and falls, it's probably time to let go. She's ready to be a big girl, to be a kindergartener, and I just need to step back and let her.
"Just" seems to be the word of the month, and it's JUST difficult for me to JUST let go and let God. I can tell everyone else that till I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to follow my own advice. I feel broken-hearted and loved at the same time. I feel hopeful, yet distraught. I'm happy, even though this big part of me wants to be sad, and I'm sad even though a lot of me wants to be happy. It's a very confusing time for me right now, and I'm having difficulty adjusting. BUT....at this point... I JUST need to.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Suddenly... Revelation.
Revelation #1: Hannah was born on April 26th, 2005. As of a week from Monday, that will have been five years ago. FIVE years. It seems impossible. It truly hit me the other day for the first time... My husband and I have made it through the impossible, scary, unpredictable first five years of parenthood. Granted, it's all unpredictable and scary until you've experienced it for the first time, but still... the idea that had us so panicked and utterly terrified in 2004 when we found out we were *gasp* pregnant was that we didn't have a clue what we were doing. And yet, we survived, she survived...we made it. Hayley's infancy doesn't seem anywhere near as scary as Hannah's because Hannah prepared us well. With Hannah, we were diving blindly into the unknown. Who knew a baby could cry profusely, or vomit so many ounces (hell, GALLONS) in an hour? Who knew a baby could hit her head so hard and NOT suffer a concussion? We could never have guessed how messy poop could really be, or that it could be so red when there was no blood in it. It would have never occurred to me that a human could survive on so little sleep without going completely and utterly insane. She taught us what it meant to be exhausted and worn out, but more-so, how truly truly terrified we could be. She did a great job preparing us for our second time around! And all the bumps and bruises, all the middle-of-the-night fevers, all the potty accidents... They've all led up to this day, this very special birthday. It's the end of being babied and the beginning of a new chapter in life... the chapter in which she will make lasting friendships, learn important new skills, go off to school, get interested in sports... It's exciting, and yet I find myself right back where I was five years ago: terrified. Will she do well in school and be successful at forming friendships? Will she be pressured to say and do things she shouldn't? Did I prepare her well enough? Is the scariest experience yet to come, or does it max out at a newborn baby having an allergic reaction to formula that causes constant vomiting for four hours straight? There are so many questions racing through my mind, but c'est la vie, right? They don't get answered until they happen...or don't happen. Whichever the case may be. I can't wait to see the amazing little lady she will become, regardless of how freaked out I am about everything else.
Another revelation hit me as I was pulling up some weeds the other day... We survived our first country winter. We didn't get snowed in for a week, we weren't without power for days, and somehow we managed not wind up in a four-foot ditch! Of course, this was a mild winter to say the least. But still... the idea is exciting! Winter was our biggest concern moving out here, and yet we made it through just fine! And now, my favorite time of the year is almost here, and we can really enjoy our property in a way we can't do when the world is frozen. Bonfires and camp outs, sunsets and wildlife... I love our home!
One final revelation: I am not going to lose this baby weight by wishing it off. I've been doing that for some time now, and I've decided to shelve my love for food in the name of skinny jeans. It's high-time I squeezed these love handles back into a size seven, and cinnamon rolls and french fries are NOT going to make that happen. So as of today, I'm back on the wagon. Who knows how long it will last, but as of right now, my conviction is AIR TIGHT!
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." (Charlie Brown)
Another revelation hit me as I was pulling up some weeds the other day... We survived our first country winter. We didn't get snowed in for a week, we weren't without power for days, and somehow we managed not wind up in a four-foot ditch! Of course, this was a mild winter to say the least. But still... the idea is exciting! Winter was our biggest concern moving out here, and yet we made it through just fine! And now, my favorite time of the year is almost here, and we can really enjoy our property in a way we can't do when the world is frozen. Bonfires and camp outs, sunsets and wildlife... I love our home!
One final revelation: I am not going to lose this baby weight by wishing it off. I've been doing that for some time now, and I've decided to shelve my love for food in the name of skinny jeans. It's high-time I squeezed these love handles back into a size seven, and cinnamon rolls and french fries are NOT going to make that happen. So as of today, I'm back on the wagon. Who knows how long it will last, but as of right now, my conviction is AIR TIGHT!
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." (Charlie Brown)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ah, spring...
Spring has sprung in Michigan... The weather has been lovely, and we've been enjoying a lot of time outdoors. It's been beautiful... up until a couple days ago. More on that in a minute. Easter was wonderful. We had my inlaws down, and had great food and delicious desserts. My mom-in-law started her chemotherapy last week, and she wasn't feeling the greatest. Thankfully, her appetite is just fine, and she hasn't had any nausea. But she said she quite literally feels as though she's been hit by a truck. Her whole body hurts to the point where we can't even hardly touch her. I can't imagine how awful that must be... It's hard enough just watching her go through it. But I know everything will be okay in the end. Anyway, the best part about having them over was that she got to have a nice Easter with people she loved without having to do any work or worry about anything. She usually hosts Easter dinner at her place, and I was really glad I was able to get her to ours instead.
The weather for Easter was gorgeous, and the day after was gorgeous. But this is Michigan, and inevitably the weather turned...well, ugly. Tuesday night we went to bed a little late because we were watching 24 and didn't start it until almost 9:30. It was around 11:00 when we finally got to bed. I was awoken at midnight by loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the house, so I got up to look around. I realized it was coming from the kitchen window. All of a sudden, there were a MILLION banging noises all over the house. I realized then that it was hail. Where we live, we can't hear the tornado sirens, so I tried to turn on the tv to see if we were under a warning, but it wouldn't turn on. I tried another tv and realized our power was out. Then, it was like someone flipped the hail swtich from Reasonably Low to Armageddon High. It was deafening. I frantically tried to get the batteries into the weather radio (I know, shame on me)but my hands were shaking to hard to get them in. All the while I was trying to wake my husband to ask him if we needed to get downstairs. I gave up on the radio, hollared at Mike to get up out of bed and help me, and ran in and grabbed Hayley (who was still practically comatose) and Hannah (who was plugging her ears and FREAKING out). Suddenly, however impossible it seems, the hail got even louder. We headed for the basement and had no sooner gotten somewhat comfortable with candles lit than the hail stopped. My heart was still pounding, and my ears for still kind of ringing, but it seemed to be over. We waited about ten minutes, then headed back upstairs. It occured to me then that I ave itnernet access on my phone, so I got online. We weren't under a tornado warning at any point in time that night, but the damage we saw the next day made it look like we should have been. The grill was about 100 feet behind the house in pieces, and the grill lid was about 250 feet away from that. As we watched the news, we saw sides of houses that had been blown away, semis that had been swept off the road, telephone poles snapped in half. And all because we had 80mph gusts that night. No tornado, just lots of hail and wind. It sure was scary though... At one point when the hail got louder, it almost sounded like one of the windows broke, but luckily that wasn't the case.
But, as I said, it is spring... and I LOVE spring. The flowers are blooming, the trees are budding... it's just beautiful. And shorts weather is right around the corner, which means bonfires and smores, camping, bbq's.... it's all going to be amazing. AMAZING. This is the best time of the year because you can almost TASTE the strawberries and sweet corn and fresh salads...the warm breezes and saltwater....the roses... It's going to be a FANTASTIC summer...
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time." ~John Lubbock
The weather for Easter was gorgeous, and the day after was gorgeous. But this is Michigan, and inevitably the weather turned...well, ugly. Tuesday night we went to bed a little late because we were watching 24 and didn't start it until almost 9:30. It was around 11:00 when we finally got to bed. I was awoken at midnight by loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the house, so I got up to look around. I realized it was coming from the kitchen window. All of a sudden, there were a MILLION banging noises all over the house. I realized then that it was hail. Where we live, we can't hear the tornado sirens, so I tried to turn on the tv to see if we were under a warning, but it wouldn't turn on. I tried another tv and realized our power was out. Then, it was like someone flipped the hail swtich from Reasonably Low to Armageddon High. It was deafening. I frantically tried to get the batteries into the weather radio (I know, shame on me)but my hands were shaking to hard to get them in. All the while I was trying to wake my husband to ask him if we needed to get downstairs. I gave up on the radio, hollared at Mike to get up out of bed and help me, and ran in and grabbed Hayley (who was still practically comatose) and Hannah (who was plugging her ears and FREAKING out). Suddenly, however impossible it seems, the hail got even louder. We headed for the basement and had no sooner gotten somewhat comfortable with candles lit than the hail stopped. My heart was still pounding, and my ears for still kind of ringing, but it seemed to be over. We waited about ten minutes, then headed back upstairs. It occured to me then that I ave itnernet access on my phone, so I got online. We weren't under a tornado warning at any point in time that night, but the damage we saw the next day made it look like we should have been. The grill was about 100 feet behind the house in pieces, and the grill lid was about 250 feet away from that. As we watched the news, we saw sides of houses that had been blown away, semis that had been swept off the road, telephone poles snapped in half. And all because we had 80mph gusts that night. No tornado, just lots of hail and wind. It sure was scary though... At one point when the hail got louder, it almost sounded like one of the windows broke, but luckily that wasn't the case.
But, as I said, it is spring... and I LOVE spring. The flowers are blooming, the trees are budding... it's just beautiful. And shorts weather is right around the corner, which means bonfires and smores, camping, bbq's.... it's all going to be amazing. AMAZING. This is the best time of the year because you can almost TASTE the strawberries and sweet corn and fresh salads...the warm breezes and saltwater....the roses... It's going to be a FANTASTIC summer...
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time." ~John Lubbock
Friday, March 26, 2010
This, that, and the other thing.
It's been pretty long couple of weeks in our house. The kids are doing okay, hubby is booking jobs (finally) and I'm busy with my spring cleaning. But I haven't been quite this exhausted in some time...or this sore. My back is KILLING me lately. This stupid disc... I have a feeling it's never going to get better. It's been a year and a half already, so I think odds are good it'll stay this way. As long as it doesn't get worse, I guess I shouldn't complain!
Hayley is TEETHING. She's drooling, her nose is running, she's fussy, and she's awake all hours of the night. Those of you who talk to me often know, Hayley has been my good little sleeper from the day she was born. None of this waking-up-ever-two-hours business. Of course, when babies, teeth, they cease to be themselves and become something...well, demonic. I love my little stinker, but she's wearing me right down.
Hannah on the other hand, is being exceptionally good for a change. This could be a result of my attempting to spend more time with her and less time doting on the baby. I'm sure she appreciates the extra affection. It's amazing what we can allow ourselves to do when we're not paying attention. Poor Hannah went from being the center of attention to basically being excluded because all my energy was focused on Hayley. Some of you may think this is normal, but I don't think it's particularly fair. Hannah deserves my love too, and she's almost five, so if she doesn't get it, it's not like she's going to forget. Hayley won't remember my ignoring her while she plays in the johnny jump-up to play with big sis instead. But Hannah will notice me parking her in front of the tv to play with Hayley on the floor. SO.. I'm managing to find a way to spend plenty of time with both my girls so I don't miss out on precious moments with either of them!
As for other departments in my life... My mother-in-law is starting chemo in 5 days. Thankfully, the scan earlier this wek revealed that the damn cancer is contained to just the one area. We were afraid it wouldn't be because they took the biopsy from her lymph nodes, and once it hits the lymph nodes it can spread like wild fire. So we were prepared for the worst, and really got the best news we could possibly imagine. It's still going to be a long three months, but thank God, the odds are on our side. I can't help but feel like this has to do with my submitting that prayer request at church last weekend. Geez, God... you sure do work fast!
My sister is moving back down to this area of the state (after doing a stint in the UP) and I am TRULY excited for that. I miss her so much, and I'll actually be able to see her more often than just a couple times a year. Which...is.....AWESOME! My sister and I are like... pickles and chocolate. Two totally different yet wonderful things that can coexist fantastically given the right situation. Meaning... bitch+bitch=sisterly love.
I was supposed to have another familial visitor this week...not surprising THAT didn't work out. My oldest brother, Matt, whom I haven't seen in two years, wa sin my area-ish this week. Of course, he came down with "strep throat" at the last minute. It's sad really... I'm so used to this type of disappointment from him I wasn't even really upset. What do you think that means? I mean, he's never seen our house, he's never met Hayley, and Hannah has NO clue who he is. If he's trying to dissect himself from our family, he's done a pretty damn good job of it. Which is fine... There's not a whole lot of room in my life for THAT much drama, anyway.
But, I digress.
My feet are freezing and Hannah is hungry for some lunch, so I'm heading upstairs. Ciao, ya'll.
"America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask." - Leno
Hayley is TEETHING. She's drooling, her nose is running, she's fussy, and she's awake all hours of the night. Those of you who talk to me often know, Hayley has been my good little sleeper from the day she was born. None of this waking-up-ever-two-hours business. Of course, when babies, teeth, they cease to be themselves and become something...well, demonic. I love my little stinker, but she's wearing me right down.
Hannah on the other hand, is being exceptionally good for a change. This could be a result of my attempting to spend more time with her and less time doting on the baby. I'm sure she appreciates the extra affection. It's amazing what we can allow ourselves to do when we're not paying attention. Poor Hannah went from being the center of attention to basically being excluded because all my energy was focused on Hayley. Some of you may think this is normal, but I don't think it's particularly fair. Hannah deserves my love too, and she's almost five, so if she doesn't get it, it's not like she's going to forget. Hayley won't remember my ignoring her while she plays in the johnny jump-up to play with big sis instead. But Hannah will notice me parking her in front of the tv to play with Hayley on the floor. SO.. I'm managing to find a way to spend plenty of time with both my girls so I don't miss out on precious moments with either of them!
As for other departments in my life... My mother-in-law is starting chemo in 5 days. Thankfully, the scan earlier this wek revealed that the damn cancer is contained to just the one area. We were afraid it wouldn't be because they took the biopsy from her lymph nodes, and once it hits the lymph nodes it can spread like wild fire. So we were prepared for the worst, and really got the best news we could possibly imagine. It's still going to be a long three months, but thank God, the odds are on our side. I can't help but feel like this has to do with my submitting that prayer request at church last weekend. Geez, God... you sure do work fast!
My sister is moving back down to this area of the state (after doing a stint in the UP) and I am TRULY excited for that. I miss her so much, and I'll actually be able to see her more often than just a couple times a year. Which...is.....AWESOME! My sister and I are like... pickles and chocolate. Two totally different yet wonderful things that can coexist fantastically given the right situation. Meaning... bitch+bitch=sisterly love.
I was supposed to have another familial visitor this week...not surprising THAT didn't work out. My oldest brother, Matt, whom I haven't seen in two years, wa sin my area-ish this week. Of course, he came down with "strep throat" at the last minute. It's sad really... I'm so used to this type of disappointment from him I wasn't even really upset. What do you think that means? I mean, he's never seen our house, he's never met Hayley, and Hannah has NO clue who he is. If he's trying to dissect himself from our family, he's done a pretty damn good job of it. Which is fine... There's not a whole lot of room in my life for THAT much drama, anyway.
But, I digress.
My feet are freezing and Hannah is hungry for some lunch, so I'm heading upstairs. Ciao, ya'll.
"America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask." - Leno
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Free" Republic?
You've all probably been privy to the recent news stories about the conservative blogger Mike Vanderboegh encouraging all conservatives to break windows to make ourselves heard (http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-all-modern-sons-of-liberty-this-is.html). If not, definitely go read it, but make sure you visit the rest of his blog as well. You will see that this is a man who means well, truly considers himself a patriot. I find it difficult to agree with his actions though. You all know I consider myself a Constitutionalist. I believe in what the founders wanted this country to be. I'm not happy with the current state of our country, and have not bee for quite some time. I sincerely dislike the antics of President Obama and his cabinet. Nancy Pelosi's smile reminds me of something that was carved on a pumpkin two Halloweens ago and is still rotting away on the porch (oh, AND I don't trust her at ALL). I find it very difficult, however, to commit acts of violence as a result of those beliefs. Freedom of speech does NOT cover broken windows and death threats, folks. And, as I told Mr. Vanderboegh, the media will make this look like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum because mommy told him to do something he didn't want to do. What happens? He throws his toy across the room and breaks it, resulting in a timeout. Does mommy change her mind? Nope. She just gets annoyed. These people who are breaking windows will get a timeout (in jail) and then conservatives will once again be made to look like crazy, war-mongering idiots. PLEASE stop adding fuel to their fire, folks. All you're doing is alienating would-be allies, liberals who are beginning to realize their "savior" may not be all he's cracked up to be. When we break windows, the liberal media and politicians alike sigh and give a collective tsk-tsk. It doesn't change things, and doesn't attract the type of attention you're looking for. Try to find something more creative and symbolic, and slightly LESS violent. The survival of the party, as well as the country, requires us to learn how to play fair. Speak! Write! March! DON'T throw violent tantrums and break things. It's counterproductive.
Freedom - true, honest to God, righteous freedom - allows us a shield when our opponents attack. It makes us feel safe from terror. It provides for us a platform to say, "I do NOT agree... I condemn!" It does NOT make it okay to strike fear into the hearts of our brothers. It does NOT allow us to take other people's right to feel safe from terror. It does NOT allow for threats to congressmen's families, or to cut a gas line on some one's house, or to break out windows. If you truly believe we are free men, you must live like free men. And free men protect the freedom of their fellow country men, whether they agree with them or not.
And for those of you calling for a civil war, consider what that would mean. In old times, it was North vs. South. This will not be so cleanly divided. It will be state against state, city against city, brother against brother. Your neighbor could become your enemy. Are you prepared to end his life? This is America. What makes us strong is our ability to stand together, one solid force against those who would have us fall. I can almost guarantee Al Qaeda is watching the news and smiling... waiting... knowing what will come. And when we are at our weakest, when we're in the middle of combat with our friends, our family, they will strike, and they will win. And if they don't, it won't matter, because the discord among us will tear the country to pieces.
Yes, this is a sad day for America, indeed.
Freedom - true, honest to God, righteous freedom - allows us a shield when our opponents attack. It makes us feel safe from terror. It provides for us a platform to say, "I do NOT agree... I condemn!" It does NOT make it okay to strike fear into the hearts of our brothers. It does NOT allow us to take other people's right to feel safe from terror. It does NOT allow for threats to congressmen's families, or to cut a gas line on some one's house, or to break out windows. If you truly believe we are free men, you must live like free men. And free men protect the freedom of their fellow country men, whether they agree with them or not.
And for those of you calling for a civil war, consider what that would mean. In old times, it was North vs. South. This will not be so cleanly divided. It will be state against state, city against city, brother against brother. Your neighbor could become your enemy. Are you prepared to end his life? This is America. What makes us strong is our ability to stand together, one solid force against those who would have us fall. I can almost guarantee Al Qaeda is watching the news and smiling... waiting... knowing what will come. And when we are at our weakest, when we're in the middle of combat with our friends, our family, they will strike, and they will win. And if they don't, it won't matter, because the discord among us will tear the country to pieces.
Yes, this is a sad day for America, indeed.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Some things require more courage than I really have in me.
Two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to have a mastectomy and was still undergoing a series of reconstructive surgeries when my wedding rolled around in May. A few months later, she was cleared..."cancer-free" they said, with no chemo or radiation required. Her doctor said that she needed to come in every six months for checkups to make sure the cancer didn't come back. After a year of being cancer free, the insurance company refused to grant a pre-auth for a visit every six months, and said they'd only pay for an appointment with the oncologist once per year. So rather than going for her checkup six months ago, she waited like they told her to. Last week, they had to take a biopsy of a lump in the same side she had the breast removed from before. The result came back positive yesterday...it's cancer again. Now she must undergo chemo, radiation and another surgery all surrounding the marriage of her only daughter, taking place in an entirely different state no less. And apparently they could have caught it six months ago, and it would have been over by now, if the stupid insurance company hadn't done what they did. But instead, she's going to be wearing a wig to the wedding, and having surgery right after the wedding.
We found out last night, and when my husband told me, I was fighting....no, wrestling in a hand-to-hand combat style, to not burst into tears. It's his mother, after all, not mine; and I need to be strong for my husband. I need to be there to support him, and get him through his anger and disbelief so he can be there for his mom. But... but. I haven't exactly had my fair share of close relationships with mother-figures in my life. Those of you who know me well know that's true. So the extent of the closeness I feel to my mother in law is amplified quite a bit by the fact that she's been filling this gap in me for a long time now...you know, the gap that exists when one doesn't have a mother to turn to. I gab to her about everything and I love spending time with her. Her and I have gotten really close over the last three years. So it would be like losing my own mother if we lost her. And I'm terrified.
I suppose I've been terrified... Ever since they cleared her, I've been waiting for the backlash. She skated through so easily the first time...no chemo, no radiation...just the surgery. When I say "just", I mean compared to what some people deal with it's not bad. I don't mean that having your breat removed and going through a series of painful reconstructive surgeries is no biggie. I mean, we all kind of got off easy. And now, I don't know what we're in for. I don't know how to be there for her the right way, and I'm scared to find out the extent of the cancer's spread (we should know this by the end of the week, after they do an MRI and xray). And I've just always known it would come back. In the back of my mind, I always knew.
I've most always been pretty brave. Not in a "I'm not afraid of the dark" sort of way, but like "I can hold any weight squarly on my shoulders and still give my kid sis a piggy back ride" sort of way. There have been a couple exceptions... I had my moments after my brother passed away. But mostly, I can take it. But this is something I'm afraid I'm not prepared for...something I may not be able to be strong through. god never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that. But how can I put on a strong facade when inside I'm freaking out? I know I need to...for her, for my husband, for the girls, for our family... But right now, I'm having difficulty holding it together.
The uncertainty is pretty scary. Not knowing what to expect makes it hard... As I said before, she didn't have to do this last time. But... here I am praying very hard that my mom-in-law can not only beat cancer once again, but kick the living shit out of it. And prayer is a VERY powerful thing... Amen.
We found out last night, and when my husband told me, I was fighting....no, wrestling in a hand-to-hand combat style, to not burst into tears. It's his mother, after all, not mine; and I need to be strong for my husband. I need to be there to support him, and get him through his anger and disbelief so he can be there for his mom. But... but. I haven't exactly had my fair share of close relationships with mother-figures in my life. Those of you who know me well know that's true. So the extent of the closeness I feel to my mother in law is amplified quite a bit by the fact that she's been filling this gap in me for a long time now...you know, the gap that exists when one doesn't have a mother to turn to. I gab to her about everything and I love spending time with her. Her and I have gotten really close over the last three years. So it would be like losing my own mother if we lost her. And I'm terrified.
I suppose I've been terrified... Ever since they cleared her, I've been waiting for the backlash. She skated through so easily the first time...no chemo, no radiation...just the surgery. When I say "just", I mean compared to what some people deal with it's not bad. I don't mean that having your breat removed and going through a series of painful reconstructive surgeries is no biggie. I mean, we all kind of got off easy. And now, I don't know what we're in for. I don't know how to be there for her the right way, and I'm scared to find out the extent of the cancer's spread (we should know this by the end of the week, after they do an MRI and xray). And I've just always known it would come back. In the back of my mind, I always knew.
I've most always been pretty brave. Not in a "I'm not afraid of the dark" sort of way, but like "I can hold any weight squarly on my shoulders and still give my kid sis a piggy back ride" sort of way. There have been a couple exceptions... I had my moments after my brother passed away. But mostly, I can take it. But this is something I'm afraid I'm not prepared for...something I may not be able to be strong through. god never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that. But how can I put on a strong facade when inside I'm freaking out? I know I need to...for her, for my husband, for the girls, for our family... But right now, I'm having difficulty holding it together.
The uncertainty is pretty scary. Not knowing what to expect makes it hard... As I said before, she didn't have to do this last time. But... here I am praying very hard that my mom-in-law can not only beat cancer once again, but kick the living shit out of it. And prayer is a VERY powerful thing... Amen.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Kindergarten "Readiness"?
I had a moment yesterday. It was one of those moments that kind of sneaks up on you and gives you a swift kick in the ass...the kind that makes you feel like you can't breathe, makes you feel disoriented. It was the kind of moment that scares the living shit out of you, and leaves you standing there wondering what to do next.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Nursing Again
I'm happy to report that I am FINALLY able to breastfeed again now that I've managed to taper off the pain meds. Our first attempt was pretty hilarious, since it had been 5 days and babies forget so quickly. When I first started trying, she got this adorable little smirk on her face and looked at me like, "Really? And what I'm I supposed to do with that?" After a few minutes she finally figured it out, but stopped suckling just before the milk came. After leaking all over her for a minute, she finally figured out that if she latched back on, she would get food. Once we both got comfortable with it again, gleeful wouldn't even begin to describe her mood. It was like she was giddy that she was getting the good stuff again. I missed it too! The worst part was going without that closeness. I'd only just gotten comfortable holding her again, and I missed the snuggling. But nursing almost makes you feel the same closeness you feel during pregnancy... it's tough to explain if you haven't been there. But anyway, I'm glad to be doing it again and glad the bulk of the pain is behind me!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Darvocet
I awoke to a pounding so loud, I was certain it was taking place inside my head. I rolled over to look at the clock. I was expecting a middle-of-the-night time like 2am or something. What I saw was 7:30. The pounding continued. Then, an ear-splitting shout, so high pitched it made me wince. "You need to get up!!!" I looked around the room.... where was it coming from? And why won't that pounding stop?! Then again... "You need to get up!!!" What is going on?? I blinked a couple times, looked around some more, then laid there for a minute with my eyes open, trying to get my bearings. The pounding stopped. Ahhh, silence... I started to doze back off and then suddenly, "MOMMY! You need to get up now PLEASE! Grampa has to go do laundry and Nana's already at work. Can you get up now PLEASE?!"
I'm never taking Darvocet before bed again.
I'm never taking Darvocet before bed again.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Love and Marriage
I think I've figured it out... the answer to the question of why there are so many divorces today. I've observed friends, family, strangers, people on TV... and after much thought, I think I've come up with a reasonable hypothesis.
Over the years, the focus at home has slowly shifted from what it used to be. Back in the day, the wife stayed at home with the kids, cleaning and cooking and raising babies, while the husband went out and brought home the bacon. The wife's energy was entirely focused on the husband's happiness from the moment he walked through the door after a long day at work. Mrs. Cleaver would bring her husband his slippers, pipe and brandy while he reclined in his la-z-boy and relaxed. She would fix him dinner, tend to his needs, and listen to him talk about his day. This would give the husband the necessary ego boost he would require to feel more like a man. He was happy with her because he was getting the proper amount of attention, she was happy with her life because she was able to focus 75% of her efforts on her children and the other 25% in the evening would be enough to keep her marriage alive.
Throughout time, the role of the wife has shifted. We began wanting more of the life we were sold on television, wishing we could live in a nicer house, drive nicer cars, eat nicer foods... Eventually, the wife had to start working to supplement the income. It began with women working part time after their children started school. Then full time, then earlier in their children's lives until women were working just as much as men, if not more. They were expected to take on the role of mother, maid, cook, wife, teacher... they have all the same roles as they did fifty years ago, only now they have a forty hour work week on top of that. Most husbands have not adapted to this change. No offense, guys, but it's true. They don't cook, but may help a little around the house. Granted, this is starting to change now with women not having time to learn to cook. Whether or not they do baths and diapers depends on the man, but most of the ones I've met generally don't take care of the kids unless they absolutely have to. So this has created some resentment with the wives, because they'd mostly rather spend their time with their kids than trying to be superwoman. In choosing a forty hour workweek, they've given up close to 60 hours every week with their kids. They're missing first words, first steps... the years are flying by and they're missing it. So moms spend all their time outside of work being moms, and the wife role has almost disappeared. Husbands are feeling ignored, and wives are feeling resentment. That is the main source of the problem.
So, what do I feel like the solution is? Obviously working moms can't necessarily quit being working moms. A lot of families do need two incomes to thrive. I have two suggestions:
Option #1: Working moms quit working and head back to the home. Before you get all upset and start talking about money, consider this: The average family with two children under 5 spends $300 a week on daycare. After daycare, taxes, gas and food expenses (when I say food expenses, I mean the nights you have to get takeout as well as lunches at work) and the average working mother probably doesn't make much at all. That being said, the only thing you may be giving up in the long run is a day at the mall here and there. However, some moms are the primary breadwinner in their home. If this is the case, there's always
Option #2: Refocus your efforts. I know that kids grow up fast, and you don't want to miss any more than you're already missing. But if some effort isn't made to get back to the love you and your spouse share, their childhood memories will be of a broken home rather than a happy family. Here's what I think should happen: Talk with your husband/wife. Explain to them that no one can do it all on their own, and if you work harder to split the responsibilities down the middle, that leaves more time for "grown up" time. Efforts should be made to have at least one date night a month, where you and your spouse can go out and enjoy a grown up movie, a grown up restaurant, with out having to worry about what time you need to be home or what the kids are up to. Find a babysitter who you can rely on so you can just.... escape. Make a concerted effort to get the kids in bed earlier, so you and your hubby/wifey can spend some snuggle time on the couch. Designate a day of the week that is "Mom and Dad's day"...the kids cook dinner and do the dishes after so you and your spouse can enjoy each other's company. If you're giving up the extra time to make things better for your family, your family should be involved in making things work. Stop bending over backwards for your kids and start expecting a little something in return. This will give you the opportunity to occasionally focus on your marriage. And don't forget the importance of sex, no matter how exhausted you are. Speaking as someone with a horrible libido, I can tell you that no matter how tired or crappy you feel, once you get into it, you realize you really need it too. Once a week is a bare minimum.
With all the roles we must play... teacher, chauffeur, doctor, cook, maid, professional, mother/father, husband/wife, daughter/son.... it's easy to lock in and focus on the one we think is the most important. But we must always remember the most important thing... no matter how badly we want it not to happen, children grow up, and move away, and start families of their own. Before you know it, you may only see them twice a month, or in some cases twice a year. So what's going to happen when you wake up one day and realize you and your spouse are strangers, and you're all alone because the kids have left home? Or worse.... you realized that a long time ago and now you don't even have a husband or wife to feel that way about.
I hope I didn't go off on too long of a tangent and lose you all. Once I figured this out, I decided it was my responsibility to share it with all of you, so maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes as all the people I've observed.
Love is the only thing that can be divided endlessly without ever getting smaller.
Over the years, the focus at home has slowly shifted from what it used to be. Back in the day, the wife stayed at home with the kids, cleaning and cooking and raising babies, while the husband went out and brought home the bacon. The wife's energy was entirely focused on the husband's happiness from the moment he walked through the door after a long day at work. Mrs. Cleaver would bring her husband his slippers, pipe and brandy while he reclined in his la-z-boy and relaxed. She would fix him dinner, tend to his needs, and listen to him talk about his day. This would give the husband the necessary ego boost he would require to feel more like a man. He was happy with her because he was getting the proper amount of attention, she was happy with her life because she was able to focus 75% of her efforts on her children and the other 25% in the evening would be enough to keep her marriage alive.
Throughout time, the role of the wife has shifted. We began wanting more of the life we were sold on television, wishing we could live in a nicer house, drive nicer cars, eat nicer foods... Eventually, the wife had to start working to supplement the income. It began with women working part time after their children started school. Then full time, then earlier in their children's lives until women were working just as much as men, if not more. They were expected to take on the role of mother, maid, cook, wife, teacher... they have all the same roles as they did fifty years ago, only now they have a forty hour work week on top of that. Most husbands have not adapted to this change. No offense, guys, but it's true. They don't cook, but may help a little around the house. Granted, this is starting to change now with women not having time to learn to cook. Whether or not they do baths and diapers depends on the man, but most of the ones I've met generally don't take care of the kids unless they absolutely have to. So this has created some resentment with the wives, because they'd mostly rather spend their time with their kids than trying to be superwoman. In choosing a forty hour workweek, they've given up close to 60 hours every week with their kids. They're missing first words, first steps... the years are flying by and they're missing it. So moms spend all their time outside of work being moms, and the wife role has almost disappeared. Husbands are feeling ignored, and wives are feeling resentment. That is the main source of the problem.
So, what do I feel like the solution is? Obviously working moms can't necessarily quit being working moms. A lot of families do need two incomes to thrive. I have two suggestions:
Option #1: Working moms quit working and head back to the home. Before you get all upset and start talking about money, consider this: The average family with two children under 5 spends $300 a week on daycare. After daycare, taxes, gas and food expenses (when I say food expenses, I mean the nights you have to get takeout as well as lunches at work) and the average working mother probably doesn't make much at all. That being said, the only thing you may be giving up in the long run is a day at the mall here and there. However, some moms are the primary breadwinner in their home. If this is the case, there's always
Option #2: Refocus your efforts. I know that kids grow up fast, and you don't want to miss any more than you're already missing. But if some effort isn't made to get back to the love you and your spouse share, their childhood memories will be of a broken home rather than a happy family. Here's what I think should happen: Talk with your husband/wife. Explain to them that no one can do it all on their own, and if you work harder to split the responsibilities down the middle, that leaves more time for "grown up" time. Efforts should be made to have at least one date night a month, where you and your spouse can go out and enjoy a grown up movie, a grown up restaurant, with out having to worry about what time you need to be home or what the kids are up to. Find a babysitter who you can rely on so you can just.... escape. Make a concerted effort to get the kids in bed earlier, so you and your hubby/wifey can spend some snuggle time on the couch. Designate a day of the week that is "Mom and Dad's day"...the kids cook dinner and do the dishes after so you and your spouse can enjoy each other's company. If you're giving up the extra time to make things better for your family, your family should be involved in making things work. Stop bending over backwards for your kids and start expecting a little something in return. This will give you the opportunity to occasionally focus on your marriage. And don't forget the importance of sex, no matter how exhausted you are. Speaking as someone with a horrible libido, I can tell you that no matter how tired or crappy you feel, once you get into it, you realize you really need it too. Once a week is a bare minimum.
With all the roles we must play... teacher, chauffeur, doctor, cook, maid, professional, mother/father, husband/wife, daughter/son.... it's easy to lock in and focus on the one we think is the most important. But we must always remember the most important thing... no matter how badly we want it not to happen, children grow up, and move away, and start families of their own. Before you know it, you may only see them twice a month, or in some cases twice a year. So what's going to happen when you wake up one day and realize you and your spouse are strangers, and you're all alone because the kids have left home? Or worse.... you realized that a long time ago and now you don't even have a husband or wife to feel that way about.
I hope I didn't go off on too long of a tangent and lose you all. Once I figured this out, I decided it was my responsibility to share it with all of you, so maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes as all the people I've observed.
Love is the only thing that can be divided endlessly without ever getting smaller.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Post-Surgical Ramblings
Welcome to my new Blog! It is here that I will spend my time relaying the events of my life to you all. I will begin with my most recent run in with the world of medicine...
Last week, Dr. Danburi performed a gallbladder removal on yours truly. (At least, I'm pretty sure that was his name. Every time I met him, I was on some type of pain medication.) Such a trivial surgery, really, compared to some... and yet I was having an anxiety attack prior to it that warranted injecting my IV with Verset (happy drugs). I'm starting to heal, I can tell because I have this undying need to tear off the first few layers of my skin and scratch what lies beneath. I can also tell because a real meal sounded good today for the first time in a week. A tilapia fillet and a side of whole grain spaghetti. Mmmmm. It actually tasted REALLY good. Almost as good as the chocolate pudding that was my first solid-ish food in the hospital. After several days of nothing but clear liquids, chocolate pudding is like a feast!
As for the non-food side of things.... The vicodin is good. :o) Actually, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of the buzz. Being constantly stoned for three days straight... I don't know how people live like this. I've cut back on the number of pills and the frequency at which I take them, and I'm doing okay as far as pain management goes. Less queasy too.
My biggest complaint (aside from not being able to snuggle my little snugglekins) is that I'll be sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then suddenly my eyes start rolling back in my head and before I know it, they're offering me a pillow! It happened earlier today with Mike's dad. He was talking to me, and seemingly out of the blue asked "Do you need to lay down?" "Is it that obvious?" was my response. The answer was a chuckled "yes" and so I decided I must have fallen asleep with my eyes open (or maybe closed for all I know... this WAS before I cut back on my vicodin). So I took that as my cue to nap for a little over two hours. I awoke feeling groggy, but much better...which seems to be the story every time. I wonder how much longer the sudden bouts of exhaustion will last?
Some of you may be wondering exactly how this FEELS. I am missing an organ after all, and it must be weird to be without an organ. Well, to respond to your curiosity, YES it feels weird. I feel like there's an empty space there....and empty space that hurts. I think I can show you exactly where it used to be. The weirdest thing is, they pulled it out through an incision that's about an inch in diameter. Maybe an inch. And it had 25-30 bee-bee sized stones in it. I'd like to know how it fit. I have a hunch as to which one it was removed through, simply because the one by my sternum is severely bruised, where the others are not so much. Out of the four incisions, it hurts the worst by far. This could be because of the gravitational pressure from my breasts as well...tough to say. I'm just glad it's over and I'm on the road to recovery and, thus far, no adverse side effects. A little indigestion, but as I understand it, that's entirely normal the first couple weeks til the body adjusts to not having a bile pump anymore. Nothing that I've eaten has really made me sick though, so I think I'm going to be okay.
On the upside of everything, I'm now being forced to eat low fat foods (at least for the next couple weeks) and I'm steadily on the skinny-jeans road because of it. I feel thin for the first time since October of 2008. And maybe I'm not THIN per say, but I'm almost thin. I couldn't tell you exactly how much I weigh right now because I'm not sure. Before I went on a three-day clear liquid diet in the hospital, I was about 152. That was prior to surgery as well. So, I could be a few pounds lighter now. I'll find out at my follow up in 2 weeks how much weight this whole ordeal has caused me to lose. It's the silver lining, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible. If I'm lucky, by mid March, I'll be able to fit into my size 8 jeans again... Then I can be hot for my sister-in-law's bachelorette party! Hoorah!
On a slightly less vain note, my little ones are doing well. Hayley is so close to crwaling it's not even funny (yes, she did just turn 4 months, but she's very strong!), but for the mean time she's settling with rolling around the living room. She's finally able to fuss herself to sleep, mostly because she's become a full-blown thumb-sucker. It's cute as the dickens....but then again, ask me how I feel about it a year or two from now. She's getting baptized in March, and I'm really excited for that! Hannah is doing very well with her kindergarten preparations. We're getting pretty excited for kindergarten roundup in April, followed by her FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY. That's right, five years old already. I don't know where it went, either. All I know is she's the most beautiful 5 year old I've ever met, and I'm SO proud of her. We'll be having a big birthday party to celebrate this "landmark" birthday, so stay tuned for info on that!
Mike is still slow at work, but him and I are slowly starting to climb out of this slump we've been in for the last couple months. He's been amazingly understanding through all that's happened, and he's done his best to take care of me any way he can. Hopefully, I'll start feeling good enough now to take care of him once in a while :o)
Well, my eyes are starting to have difficulty adjusting and focusing again, so any second my narcoleptic ass will start dozing off and I'll wind up waking up with my a space bar imprint on my forehead. SO, I should probably draw this to a close. Good night, God Bless, Thank you for reading... and here are a few words of wisdom a dear friend passed along to me, which I will now share with you:
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS: The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer....................................
........................................ is the taste.
Last week, Dr. Danburi performed a gallbladder removal on yours truly. (At least, I'm pretty sure that was his name. Every time I met him, I was on some type of pain medication.) Such a trivial surgery, really, compared to some... and yet I was having an anxiety attack prior to it that warranted injecting my IV with Verset (happy drugs). I'm starting to heal, I can tell because I have this undying need to tear off the first few layers of my skin and scratch what lies beneath. I can also tell because a real meal sounded good today for the first time in a week. A tilapia fillet and a side of whole grain spaghetti. Mmmmm. It actually tasted REALLY good. Almost as good as the chocolate pudding that was my first solid-ish food in the hospital. After several days of nothing but clear liquids, chocolate pudding is like a feast!
As for the non-food side of things.... The vicodin is good. :o) Actually, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of the buzz. Being constantly stoned for three days straight... I don't know how people live like this. I've cut back on the number of pills and the frequency at which I take them, and I'm doing okay as far as pain management goes. Less queasy too.
My biggest complaint (aside from not being able to snuggle my little snugglekins) is that I'll be sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then suddenly my eyes start rolling back in my head and before I know it, they're offering me a pillow! It happened earlier today with Mike's dad. He was talking to me, and seemingly out of the blue asked "Do you need to lay down?" "Is it that obvious?" was my response. The answer was a chuckled "yes" and so I decided I must have fallen asleep with my eyes open (or maybe closed for all I know... this WAS before I cut back on my vicodin). So I took that as my cue to nap for a little over two hours. I awoke feeling groggy, but much better...which seems to be the story every time. I wonder how much longer the sudden bouts of exhaustion will last?
Some of you may be wondering exactly how this FEELS. I am missing an organ after all, and it must be weird to be without an organ. Well, to respond to your curiosity, YES it feels weird. I feel like there's an empty space there....and empty space that hurts. I think I can show you exactly where it used to be. The weirdest thing is, they pulled it out through an incision that's about an inch in diameter. Maybe an inch. And it had 25-30 bee-bee sized stones in it. I'd like to know how it fit. I have a hunch as to which one it was removed through, simply because the one by my sternum is severely bruised, where the others are not so much. Out of the four incisions, it hurts the worst by far. This could be because of the gravitational pressure from my breasts as well...tough to say. I'm just glad it's over and I'm on the road to recovery and, thus far, no adverse side effects. A little indigestion, but as I understand it, that's entirely normal the first couple weeks til the body adjusts to not having a bile pump anymore. Nothing that I've eaten has really made me sick though, so I think I'm going to be okay.
On the upside of everything, I'm now being forced to eat low fat foods (at least for the next couple weeks) and I'm steadily on the skinny-jeans road because of it. I feel thin for the first time since October of 2008. And maybe I'm not THIN per say, but I'm almost thin. I couldn't tell you exactly how much I weigh right now because I'm not sure. Before I went on a three-day clear liquid diet in the hospital, I was about 152. That was prior to surgery as well. So, I could be a few pounds lighter now. I'll find out at my follow up in 2 weeks how much weight this whole ordeal has caused me to lose. It's the silver lining, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible. If I'm lucky, by mid March, I'll be able to fit into my size 8 jeans again... Then I can be hot for my sister-in-law's bachelorette party! Hoorah!
On a slightly less vain note, my little ones are doing well. Hayley is so close to crwaling it's not even funny (yes, she did just turn 4 months, but she's very strong!), but for the mean time she's settling with rolling around the living room. She's finally able to fuss herself to sleep, mostly because she's become a full-blown thumb-sucker. It's cute as the dickens....but then again, ask me how I feel about it a year or two from now. She's getting baptized in March, and I'm really excited for that! Hannah is doing very well with her kindergarten preparations. We're getting pretty excited for kindergarten roundup in April, followed by her FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY. That's right, five years old already. I don't know where it went, either. All I know is she's the most beautiful 5 year old I've ever met, and I'm SO proud of her. We'll be having a big birthday party to celebrate this "landmark" birthday, so stay tuned for info on that!
Mike is still slow at work, but him and I are slowly starting to climb out of this slump we've been in for the last couple months. He's been amazingly understanding through all that's happened, and he's done his best to take care of me any way he can. Hopefully, I'll start feeling good enough now to take care of him once in a while :o)
Well, my eyes are starting to have difficulty adjusting and focusing again, so any second my narcoleptic ass will start dozing off and I'll wind up waking up with my a space bar imprint on my forehead. SO, I should probably draw this to a close. Good night, God Bless, Thank you for reading... and here are a few words of wisdom a dear friend passed along to me, which I will now share with you:
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS: The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer....................................
........................................ is the taste.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)