You...

You've crossed my mind a lot lately. It doesn't take much to stop me dead in my tracks... your favorite song on the radio, a sudden breeze, a glorious sunset... Seems I'm thinking about you all the time these days. I really miss you, although it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to remember you. I remember things, but I can't remember you. I can recall jokes that made you laugh, things that made you cry, how much you loved adventure and drawing and playing guitar. But I can't quite grasp the color of your eyes... can't really remember what your voice sounded like, or your laugh. It's getting harder for me to recall what you looked like towards the end of your life. In fact, I don't even think I can really remember what you looked like the last time I saw you. How long was your hair? What were you wearing? What shape were your glasses? Did you smile? All I remember was giving you that sketchbook and some pencils for a belated birthday gift and you starting a picture for me that, to my knowledge, was never finished. I miss our talks. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I lay there wishing I could talk to you again. It's getting harder as the years go by, I think. In just about a week, it'll be nine years since you left us. With every birthday, every Christmas, I miss you a little more.... and with every birthday, and every Christmas, a little more of my memory of you fades. It's almost to the point where you don't quite seem real to me anymore. Like you were just a dream I had once....a dream I loved so much, but never really knew how to show it. I remember hugging you once. We were at Pappy's...remember? I remember I had told Dad how much it bothered me that I never said I loved you, and that I couldn't remember the last time I even tried to hug you, which seemed silly because I was closer to you than almost anyone else. So you got up to leave dinner, and I stood up and demanded that you hug me. You weren't the happiest about it on the outside, but I really think on the inside, you were smiling. Dad asked me later if I felt better and I said, "you betcha". That didn't even begin to explain it. Anyway.... I just wish I could see you...talk with you. I have dreams about you sometimes, but you're always so elusive. Usually it's just a brief cameo, a flash of my subconscious, and you're gone. I wonder if it's your way of telling me all is well, and you're doing just fine. It's never easy for me to think about you. Sometimes I still blink back the tears. It's definitely not easy to talk about you. Your name gets caught in my throat still... like it's been rolled in pieces of glass and it causes me physical pain to actually utter it. So when Hannah found your picture the other day, and asked who you were, I was so tempted to lie to her. I wasn't ready to tell her, not yet. didn't even know how. she's only five, and it's not something she can ever understand, much less at five. I looked frantically at Mike, not knowing what to say or how to react. He looked at her, quite calmly, and said, "That's your Uncle Josh." Hannah said, "Have I ever met him?" And Mike said, "No, sweetie, and you never will. Josh is in Heaven with God." She said, "Because he died?" Mike just said, "Yes, sweetie, because he died." I don't know how, or why, but for some reason, she chose to leave it at that. She mentioned that Nana's mommy and daddy were with God too, then started looking at other pictures. You would love her so very much... She's amazing. Even when she's being unbelievably bratty, it's still awe-inspiring how clever she is. She's so quick to understand things and eager to learn. She reminds me of you like that. You were always so smart.... and eager.... it's easy to tell she's your niece. I wish you could meet both my girls, and Mike. It's so hard for me to accept that someone who was such a big part of my life, for my whole life up till the summer before senior year of high school, will never know the people who now have become my whole world. I want you to know I miss you. I want you to know that my life...all our lives...are different without you. I want you to know that I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved you...no one should ever have to live their life not knowing for sure whether or not they're loved. Most of all, I want you to know that I would have saved you if I could. I would have done anything....ANYTHING.... to save you if I could. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope, with everything I am, that somewhere, somehow, you've finally found some peace. I love you, Josh... Goodnight, rest well...

Once upon a time...

....She was my best friend, my confidant, my other half. We could go days or weeks without talking and still know that the moment one of us picked up the phone, the other would be there with a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and a bottle of wine. We were going to be the ones whose friendship stood the test of time, survived romances and breakups, and overcame any obstacles together. We were like sisters, but in a different, more personal way. We relied on each other for anything and everything. She was the one person I believed would never let me down. When she decided to move away for a year, I supported her in her decision so much so that, when she told me she wanted to stay for me because she would miss me and Hannah too much, I told her if she didn`t go out and live her life and experience new things she would regret it forever. So she moved someplace far, far away. We talked all the time and I missed her unberably, but I took comfort in knowing it was a brief thing, that she`d be home very soon. Then she started talking differently and I soon realized that she wouldn`t be home so soon... she was starting to make friends and wanted to stay another year to see what happened. And then there was...him. Not only has he managed to convince her that he`s enough for her, he makes her feel guilty for needing anyone else in her life. She now only calls me when she`s depressed and missing us to the point of tears. But despite the fact that it breaks my heart a little more each time, and despite the fact that i fall into a deep funk for days after, i will always pick up the phone, because underneath it all, she`s still the same girl I`ve known since I was thirteen. Wild horses couldn`t drag me away from her, and it`s going to take more than a controlling piece of shit with a nice face and smooth words to seperate us. Because when you love someone the way i've love her for so many years, it takes all the power of the sun to pry them out of your heart. But aside from loving her, all i can do is pray like crazy thet she finds the right path and ultimately returns to the awesome person she once was...no matter how hard it may be, i have to let go.

Oh, Crop!!!

This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!

Oh, Crop!!!

This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!