The last couple of weeks have been like a giant roller coaster for me. One minute I'm happy as can be, walking on air, confident that tomorrow will be even better than today. The next, I'm practically in tears. No, I'm not bipolar...at least I don't think I am. I can pinpoint the outside influences that are making me feel this way, so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe I let them get to me more than I should, but that's just how I am.
Hayley is getting so big. A week and a half ago, she decided to up and quit nursing. It was very out of the blue for me, even though I realized she was getting less interested in latching on and more interested in her ba-ba, which allowed her to see around the room during feeding time. It's a good thing, I suppose. It was easy on her to switch to the bottle, there was no being up all night crying or anything like that, so I suppose I should be grateful. But the fact of the matter is, it left me incredibly depressed. I miss that bond, and I can't believe eight months have gone by so quickly. She's becoming less dependant on me, which is the natural order of things of course.... but that doesn't make it any harder for me. My baby experience with Hayley was the exact opposite of the one I had with Hannah. I was sur eof myself and what I was doing, and everything has gone much smoother... this gave me the opportunity to just let go and bond with her. This is not to say that I love Hayley more...just that I loved her sooner. With Hannah, I couldn't wait till she was bigger, so I could quit nursing (she had the most painful latch) and not feel guilty. I couldn't wait to not have to carry her around everywhere, and have her constantly looking to me for answers I didn't feel I could give. Well, over the past five years, I have grown more comfortablle in my role as mommy. (Of course I bitch sometimes... don't we all? But I am very thankful for my babies, regardless of anything.) Now that I am comfortable in that role, I feel it allows me to just enjoy motherhood rather than constantly worrying whether or not I'm good at it, or whether or not I'm doing it right. So now that I've learned to take a step back and enjoy it, it's heartbreaking to me that Hayley is growing out of her infancy so quickly. She already throws tantrums, for crying out loud. I wasn't prepared for that! It definitely took me by surprise when, upon having a newspaper pried from her fingers, she proceeded to throw herself onto the floor, kicking and screaming, for a solid two minutes. At eight months. Something tells me I'm in for quite a ride.
Another change that has prompted my fluxuating mood is the fact that I am now faced with being forced to return to full-time employment outside the home. From the beginning of my first pregnancy, we decided I would stay at home with the kids and return to college, allowing me to get my degree and start my career upon Hannah's entrance into kindergarten. When we had Hayley, I was not only prepared to wait longer to begin my career, I was sold on it. I hate the idea of sending my little baby to daycare. I understand people do this everyday, all of the time... but when you've been a stay-at-home-mom for so long, the prospect of returning to work can be more than intimidating. And the idea of not being around my little ones (specifically Hayley who is learning to do so much and changes drastically every single day) so I can go off to work for 45 hours a week makes me want to cry. I've seen what it does to other moms to not have that time with their children, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, on the same hand, I must do what I must do to take care of my family. We're having difficulty making ends meet right now, so I've got to go. There seems to be no other option at this point. It's ruining my marriage and putting way too much stress on the whole family for us to be in such financial turmoil. I just pray that I can find something VERY soon.
I've been having family issues in other ways as well. My relationship with my parents has become.....strained. I don't really want to go into it too much, but suffice to say that my father and I didn't really speak for like a week, which is the longest we'bve ever gone, and the reasons behind this have affected our relationship... changed it somehow... It's not quite as cozy-warm-and-fuzzy feeling as it used to be. I think it could get better again, but it may not. And I can't help but think how much I'll miss the way it was if it doesn't bounce back.
We had Hannah's birthday party last weekend as well. My baby is five. She's been five for like a month now, but it didn't really sink in until we through a big party for her. I've gone into detail in past blogs about how this makes me feel, so I don't really feel I need to reiterate. Let's just say, it's been a tough time for me. When your child rolls her eyes at you for freaking out when she trips and falls, it's probably time to let go. She's ready to be a big girl, to be a kindergartener, and I just need to step back and let her.
"Just" seems to be the word of the month, and it's JUST difficult for me to JUST let go and let God. I can tell everyone else that till I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to follow my own advice. I feel broken-hearted and loved at the same time. I feel hopeful, yet distraught. I'm happy, even though this big part of me wants to be sad, and I'm sad even though a lot of me wants to be happy. It's a very confusing time for me right now, and I'm having difficulty adjusting. BUT....at this point... I JUST need to.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Suddenly... Revelation.
Revelation #1: Hannah was born on April 26th, 2005. As of a week from Monday, that will have been five years ago. FIVE years. It seems impossible. It truly hit me the other day for the first time... My husband and I have made it through the impossible, scary, unpredictable first five years of parenthood. Granted, it's all unpredictable and scary until you've experienced it for the first time, but still... the idea that had us so panicked and utterly terrified in 2004 when we found out we were *gasp* pregnant was that we didn't have a clue what we were doing. And yet, we survived, she survived...we made it. Hayley's infancy doesn't seem anywhere near as scary as Hannah's because Hannah prepared us well. With Hannah, we were diving blindly into the unknown. Who knew a baby could cry profusely, or vomit so many ounces (hell, GALLONS) in an hour? Who knew a baby could hit her head so hard and NOT suffer a concussion? We could never have guessed how messy poop could really be, or that it could be so red when there was no blood in it. It would have never occurred to me that a human could survive on so little sleep without going completely and utterly insane. She taught us what it meant to be exhausted and worn out, but more-so, how truly truly terrified we could be. She did a great job preparing us for our second time around! And all the bumps and bruises, all the middle-of-the-night fevers, all the potty accidents... They've all led up to this day, this very special birthday. It's the end of being babied and the beginning of a new chapter in life... the chapter in which she will make lasting friendships, learn important new skills, go off to school, get interested in sports... It's exciting, and yet I find myself right back where I was five years ago: terrified. Will she do well in school and be successful at forming friendships? Will she be pressured to say and do things she shouldn't? Did I prepare her well enough? Is the scariest experience yet to come, or does it max out at a newborn baby having an allergic reaction to formula that causes constant vomiting for four hours straight? There are so many questions racing through my mind, but c'est la vie, right? They don't get answered until they happen...or don't happen. Whichever the case may be. I can't wait to see the amazing little lady she will become, regardless of how freaked out I am about everything else.
Another revelation hit me as I was pulling up some weeds the other day... We survived our first country winter. We didn't get snowed in for a week, we weren't without power for days, and somehow we managed not wind up in a four-foot ditch! Of course, this was a mild winter to say the least. But still... the idea is exciting! Winter was our biggest concern moving out here, and yet we made it through just fine! And now, my favorite time of the year is almost here, and we can really enjoy our property in a way we can't do when the world is frozen. Bonfires and camp outs, sunsets and wildlife... I love our home!
One final revelation: I am not going to lose this baby weight by wishing it off. I've been doing that for some time now, and I've decided to shelve my love for food in the name of skinny jeans. It's high-time I squeezed these love handles back into a size seven, and cinnamon rolls and french fries are NOT going to make that happen. So as of today, I'm back on the wagon. Who knows how long it will last, but as of right now, my conviction is AIR TIGHT!
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." (Charlie Brown)
Another revelation hit me as I was pulling up some weeds the other day... We survived our first country winter. We didn't get snowed in for a week, we weren't without power for days, and somehow we managed not wind up in a four-foot ditch! Of course, this was a mild winter to say the least. But still... the idea is exciting! Winter was our biggest concern moving out here, and yet we made it through just fine! And now, my favorite time of the year is almost here, and we can really enjoy our property in a way we can't do when the world is frozen. Bonfires and camp outs, sunsets and wildlife... I love our home!
One final revelation: I am not going to lose this baby weight by wishing it off. I've been doing that for some time now, and I've decided to shelve my love for food in the name of skinny jeans. It's high-time I squeezed these love handles back into a size seven, and cinnamon rolls and french fries are NOT going to make that happen. So as of today, I'm back on the wagon. Who knows how long it will last, but as of right now, my conviction is AIR TIGHT!
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." (Charlie Brown)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ah, spring...
Spring has sprung in Michigan... The weather has been lovely, and we've been enjoying a lot of time outdoors. It's been beautiful... up until a couple days ago. More on that in a minute. Easter was wonderful. We had my inlaws down, and had great food and delicious desserts. My mom-in-law started her chemotherapy last week, and she wasn't feeling the greatest. Thankfully, her appetite is just fine, and she hasn't had any nausea. But she said she quite literally feels as though she's been hit by a truck. Her whole body hurts to the point where we can't even hardly touch her. I can't imagine how awful that must be... It's hard enough just watching her go through it. But I know everything will be okay in the end. Anyway, the best part about having them over was that she got to have a nice Easter with people she loved without having to do any work or worry about anything. She usually hosts Easter dinner at her place, and I was really glad I was able to get her to ours instead.
The weather for Easter was gorgeous, and the day after was gorgeous. But this is Michigan, and inevitably the weather turned...well, ugly. Tuesday night we went to bed a little late because we were watching 24 and didn't start it until almost 9:30. It was around 11:00 when we finally got to bed. I was awoken at midnight by loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the house, so I got up to look around. I realized it was coming from the kitchen window. All of a sudden, there were a MILLION banging noises all over the house. I realized then that it was hail. Where we live, we can't hear the tornado sirens, so I tried to turn on the tv to see if we were under a warning, but it wouldn't turn on. I tried another tv and realized our power was out. Then, it was like someone flipped the hail swtich from Reasonably Low to Armageddon High. It was deafening. I frantically tried to get the batteries into the weather radio (I know, shame on me)but my hands were shaking to hard to get them in. All the while I was trying to wake my husband to ask him if we needed to get downstairs. I gave up on the radio, hollared at Mike to get up out of bed and help me, and ran in and grabbed Hayley (who was still practically comatose) and Hannah (who was plugging her ears and FREAKING out). Suddenly, however impossible it seems, the hail got even louder. We headed for the basement and had no sooner gotten somewhat comfortable with candles lit than the hail stopped. My heart was still pounding, and my ears for still kind of ringing, but it seemed to be over. We waited about ten minutes, then headed back upstairs. It occured to me then that I ave itnernet access on my phone, so I got online. We weren't under a tornado warning at any point in time that night, but the damage we saw the next day made it look like we should have been. The grill was about 100 feet behind the house in pieces, and the grill lid was about 250 feet away from that. As we watched the news, we saw sides of houses that had been blown away, semis that had been swept off the road, telephone poles snapped in half. And all because we had 80mph gusts that night. No tornado, just lots of hail and wind. It sure was scary though... At one point when the hail got louder, it almost sounded like one of the windows broke, but luckily that wasn't the case.
But, as I said, it is spring... and I LOVE spring. The flowers are blooming, the trees are budding... it's just beautiful. And shorts weather is right around the corner, which means bonfires and smores, camping, bbq's.... it's all going to be amazing. AMAZING. This is the best time of the year because you can almost TASTE the strawberries and sweet corn and fresh salads...the warm breezes and saltwater....the roses... It's going to be a FANTASTIC summer...
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time." ~John Lubbock
The weather for Easter was gorgeous, and the day after was gorgeous. But this is Michigan, and inevitably the weather turned...well, ugly. Tuesday night we went to bed a little late because we were watching 24 and didn't start it until almost 9:30. It was around 11:00 when we finally got to bed. I was awoken at midnight by loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the house, so I got up to look around. I realized it was coming from the kitchen window. All of a sudden, there were a MILLION banging noises all over the house. I realized then that it was hail. Where we live, we can't hear the tornado sirens, so I tried to turn on the tv to see if we were under a warning, but it wouldn't turn on. I tried another tv and realized our power was out. Then, it was like someone flipped the hail swtich from Reasonably Low to Armageddon High. It was deafening. I frantically tried to get the batteries into the weather radio (I know, shame on me)but my hands were shaking to hard to get them in. All the while I was trying to wake my husband to ask him if we needed to get downstairs. I gave up on the radio, hollared at Mike to get up out of bed and help me, and ran in and grabbed Hayley (who was still practically comatose) and Hannah (who was plugging her ears and FREAKING out). Suddenly, however impossible it seems, the hail got even louder. We headed for the basement and had no sooner gotten somewhat comfortable with candles lit than the hail stopped. My heart was still pounding, and my ears for still kind of ringing, but it seemed to be over. We waited about ten minutes, then headed back upstairs. It occured to me then that I ave itnernet access on my phone, so I got online. We weren't under a tornado warning at any point in time that night, but the damage we saw the next day made it look like we should have been. The grill was about 100 feet behind the house in pieces, and the grill lid was about 250 feet away from that. As we watched the news, we saw sides of houses that had been blown away, semis that had been swept off the road, telephone poles snapped in half. And all because we had 80mph gusts that night. No tornado, just lots of hail and wind. It sure was scary though... At one point when the hail got louder, it almost sounded like one of the windows broke, but luckily that wasn't the case.
But, as I said, it is spring... and I LOVE spring. The flowers are blooming, the trees are budding... it's just beautiful. And shorts weather is right around the corner, which means bonfires and smores, camping, bbq's.... it's all going to be amazing. AMAZING. This is the best time of the year because you can almost TASTE the strawberries and sweet corn and fresh salads...the warm breezes and saltwater....the roses... It's going to be a FANTASTIC summer...
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time." ~John Lubbock
Friday, March 26, 2010
This, that, and the other thing.
It's been pretty long couple of weeks in our house. The kids are doing okay, hubby is booking jobs (finally) and I'm busy with my spring cleaning. But I haven't been quite this exhausted in some time...or this sore. My back is KILLING me lately. This stupid disc... I have a feeling it's never going to get better. It's been a year and a half already, so I think odds are good it'll stay this way. As long as it doesn't get worse, I guess I shouldn't complain!
Hayley is TEETHING. She's drooling, her nose is running, she's fussy, and she's awake all hours of the night. Those of you who talk to me often know, Hayley has been my good little sleeper from the day she was born. None of this waking-up-ever-two-hours business. Of course, when babies, teeth, they cease to be themselves and become something...well, demonic. I love my little stinker, but she's wearing me right down.
Hannah on the other hand, is being exceptionally good for a change. This could be a result of my attempting to spend more time with her and less time doting on the baby. I'm sure she appreciates the extra affection. It's amazing what we can allow ourselves to do when we're not paying attention. Poor Hannah went from being the center of attention to basically being excluded because all my energy was focused on Hayley. Some of you may think this is normal, but I don't think it's particularly fair. Hannah deserves my love too, and she's almost five, so if she doesn't get it, it's not like she's going to forget. Hayley won't remember my ignoring her while she plays in the johnny jump-up to play with big sis instead. But Hannah will notice me parking her in front of the tv to play with Hayley on the floor. SO.. I'm managing to find a way to spend plenty of time with both my girls so I don't miss out on precious moments with either of them!
As for other departments in my life... My mother-in-law is starting chemo in 5 days. Thankfully, the scan earlier this wek revealed that the damn cancer is contained to just the one area. We were afraid it wouldn't be because they took the biopsy from her lymph nodes, and once it hits the lymph nodes it can spread like wild fire. So we were prepared for the worst, and really got the best news we could possibly imagine. It's still going to be a long three months, but thank God, the odds are on our side. I can't help but feel like this has to do with my submitting that prayer request at church last weekend. Geez, God... you sure do work fast!
My sister is moving back down to this area of the state (after doing a stint in the UP) and I am TRULY excited for that. I miss her so much, and I'll actually be able to see her more often than just a couple times a year. Which...is.....AWESOME! My sister and I are like... pickles and chocolate. Two totally different yet wonderful things that can coexist fantastically given the right situation. Meaning... bitch+bitch=sisterly love.
I was supposed to have another familial visitor this week...not surprising THAT didn't work out. My oldest brother, Matt, whom I haven't seen in two years, wa sin my area-ish this week. Of course, he came down with "strep throat" at the last minute. It's sad really... I'm so used to this type of disappointment from him I wasn't even really upset. What do you think that means? I mean, he's never seen our house, he's never met Hayley, and Hannah has NO clue who he is. If he's trying to dissect himself from our family, he's done a pretty damn good job of it. Which is fine... There's not a whole lot of room in my life for THAT much drama, anyway.
But, I digress.
My feet are freezing and Hannah is hungry for some lunch, so I'm heading upstairs. Ciao, ya'll.
"America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask." - Leno
Hayley is TEETHING. She's drooling, her nose is running, she's fussy, and she's awake all hours of the night. Those of you who talk to me often know, Hayley has been my good little sleeper from the day she was born. None of this waking-up-ever-two-hours business. Of course, when babies, teeth, they cease to be themselves and become something...well, demonic. I love my little stinker, but she's wearing me right down.
Hannah on the other hand, is being exceptionally good for a change. This could be a result of my attempting to spend more time with her and less time doting on the baby. I'm sure she appreciates the extra affection. It's amazing what we can allow ourselves to do when we're not paying attention. Poor Hannah went from being the center of attention to basically being excluded because all my energy was focused on Hayley. Some of you may think this is normal, but I don't think it's particularly fair. Hannah deserves my love too, and she's almost five, so if she doesn't get it, it's not like she's going to forget. Hayley won't remember my ignoring her while she plays in the johnny jump-up to play with big sis instead. But Hannah will notice me parking her in front of the tv to play with Hayley on the floor. SO.. I'm managing to find a way to spend plenty of time with both my girls so I don't miss out on precious moments with either of them!
As for other departments in my life... My mother-in-law is starting chemo in 5 days. Thankfully, the scan earlier this wek revealed that the damn cancer is contained to just the one area. We were afraid it wouldn't be because they took the biopsy from her lymph nodes, and once it hits the lymph nodes it can spread like wild fire. So we were prepared for the worst, and really got the best news we could possibly imagine. It's still going to be a long three months, but thank God, the odds are on our side. I can't help but feel like this has to do with my submitting that prayer request at church last weekend. Geez, God... you sure do work fast!
My sister is moving back down to this area of the state (after doing a stint in the UP) and I am TRULY excited for that. I miss her so much, and I'll actually be able to see her more often than just a couple times a year. Which...is.....AWESOME! My sister and I are like... pickles and chocolate. Two totally different yet wonderful things that can coexist fantastically given the right situation. Meaning... bitch+bitch=sisterly love.
I was supposed to have another familial visitor this week...not surprising THAT didn't work out. My oldest brother, Matt, whom I haven't seen in two years, wa sin my area-ish this week. Of course, he came down with "strep throat" at the last minute. It's sad really... I'm so used to this type of disappointment from him I wasn't even really upset. What do you think that means? I mean, he's never seen our house, he's never met Hayley, and Hannah has NO clue who he is. If he's trying to dissect himself from our family, he's done a pretty damn good job of it. Which is fine... There's not a whole lot of room in my life for THAT much drama, anyway.
But, I digress.
My feet are freezing and Hannah is hungry for some lunch, so I'm heading upstairs. Ciao, ya'll.
"America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask." - Leno
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Free" Republic?
You've all probably been privy to the recent news stories about the conservative blogger Mike Vanderboegh encouraging all conservatives to break windows to make ourselves heard (http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-all-modern-sons-of-liberty-this-is.html). If not, definitely go read it, but make sure you visit the rest of his blog as well. You will see that this is a man who means well, truly considers himself a patriot. I find it difficult to agree with his actions though. You all know I consider myself a Constitutionalist. I believe in what the founders wanted this country to be. I'm not happy with the current state of our country, and have not bee for quite some time. I sincerely dislike the antics of President Obama and his cabinet. Nancy Pelosi's smile reminds me of something that was carved on a pumpkin two Halloweens ago and is still rotting away on the porch (oh, AND I don't trust her at ALL). I find it very difficult, however, to commit acts of violence as a result of those beliefs. Freedom of speech does NOT cover broken windows and death threats, folks. And, as I told Mr. Vanderboegh, the media will make this look like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum because mommy told him to do something he didn't want to do. What happens? He throws his toy across the room and breaks it, resulting in a timeout. Does mommy change her mind? Nope. She just gets annoyed. These people who are breaking windows will get a timeout (in jail) and then conservatives will once again be made to look like crazy, war-mongering idiots. PLEASE stop adding fuel to their fire, folks. All you're doing is alienating would-be allies, liberals who are beginning to realize their "savior" may not be all he's cracked up to be. When we break windows, the liberal media and politicians alike sigh and give a collective tsk-tsk. It doesn't change things, and doesn't attract the type of attention you're looking for. Try to find something more creative and symbolic, and slightly LESS violent. The survival of the party, as well as the country, requires us to learn how to play fair. Speak! Write! March! DON'T throw violent tantrums and break things. It's counterproductive.
Freedom - true, honest to God, righteous freedom - allows us a shield when our opponents attack. It makes us feel safe from terror. It provides for us a platform to say, "I do NOT agree... I condemn!" It does NOT make it okay to strike fear into the hearts of our brothers. It does NOT allow us to take other people's right to feel safe from terror. It does NOT allow for threats to congressmen's families, or to cut a gas line on some one's house, or to break out windows. If you truly believe we are free men, you must live like free men. And free men protect the freedom of their fellow country men, whether they agree with them or not.
And for those of you calling for a civil war, consider what that would mean. In old times, it was North vs. South. This will not be so cleanly divided. It will be state against state, city against city, brother against brother. Your neighbor could become your enemy. Are you prepared to end his life? This is America. What makes us strong is our ability to stand together, one solid force against those who would have us fall. I can almost guarantee Al Qaeda is watching the news and smiling... waiting... knowing what will come. And when we are at our weakest, when we're in the middle of combat with our friends, our family, they will strike, and they will win. And if they don't, it won't matter, because the discord among us will tear the country to pieces.
Yes, this is a sad day for America, indeed.
Freedom - true, honest to God, righteous freedom - allows us a shield when our opponents attack. It makes us feel safe from terror. It provides for us a platform to say, "I do NOT agree... I condemn!" It does NOT make it okay to strike fear into the hearts of our brothers. It does NOT allow us to take other people's right to feel safe from terror. It does NOT allow for threats to congressmen's families, or to cut a gas line on some one's house, or to break out windows. If you truly believe we are free men, you must live like free men. And free men protect the freedom of their fellow country men, whether they agree with them or not.
And for those of you calling for a civil war, consider what that would mean. In old times, it was North vs. South. This will not be so cleanly divided. It will be state against state, city against city, brother against brother. Your neighbor could become your enemy. Are you prepared to end his life? This is America. What makes us strong is our ability to stand together, one solid force against those who would have us fall. I can almost guarantee Al Qaeda is watching the news and smiling... waiting... knowing what will come. And when we are at our weakest, when we're in the middle of combat with our friends, our family, they will strike, and they will win. And if they don't, it won't matter, because the discord among us will tear the country to pieces.
Yes, this is a sad day for America, indeed.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Some things require more courage than I really have in me.
Two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to have a mastectomy and was still undergoing a series of reconstructive surgeries when my wedding rolled around in May. A few months later, she was cleared..."cancer-free" they said, with no chemo or radiation required. Her doctor said that she needed to come in every six months for checkups to make sure the cancer didn't come back. After a year of being cancer free, the insurance company refused to grant a pre-auth for a visit every six months, and said they'd only pay for an appointment with the oncologist once per year. So rather than going for her checkup six months ago, she waited like they told her to. Last week, they had to take a biopsy of a lump in the same side she had the breast removed from before. The result came back positive yesterday...it's cancer again. Now she must undergo chemo, radiation and another surgery all surrounding the marriage of her only daughter, taking place in an entirely different state no less. And apparently they could have caught it six months ago, and it would have been over by now, if the stupid insurance company hadn't done what they did. But instead, she's going to be wearing a wig to the wedding, and having surgery right after the wedding.
We found out last night, and when my husband told me, I was fighting....no, wrestling in a hand-to-hand combat style, to not burst into tears. It's his mother, after all, not mine; and I need to be strong for my husband. I need to be there to support him, and get him through his anger and disbelief so he can be there for his mom. But... but. I haven't exactly had my fair share of close relationships with mother-figures in my life. Those of you who know me well know that's true. So the extent of the closeness I feel to my mother in law is amplified quite a bit by the fact that she's been filling this gap in me for a long time now...you know, the gap that exists when one doesn't have a mother to turn to. I gab to her about everything and I love spending time with her. Her and I have gotten really close over the last three years. So it would be like losing my own mother if we lost her. And I'm terrified.
I suppose I've been terrified... Ever since they cleared her, I've been waiting for the backlash. She skated through so easily the first time...no chemo, no radiation...just the surgery. When I say "just", I mean compared to what some people deal with it's not bad. I don't mean that having your breat removed and going through a series of painful reconstructive surgeries is no biggie. I mean, we all kind of got off easy. And now, I don't know what we're in for. I don't know how to be there for her the right way, and I'm scared to find out the extent of the cancer's spread (we should know this by the end of the week, after they do an MRI and xray). And I've just always known it would come back. In the back of my mind, I always knew.
I've most always been pretty brave. Not in a "I'm not afraid of the dark" sort of way, but like "I can hold any weight squarly on my shoulders and still give my kid sis a piggy back ride" sort of way. There have been a couple exceptions... I had my moments after my brother passed away. But mostly, I can take it. But this is something I'm afraid I'm not prepared for...something I may not be able to be strong through. god never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that. But how can I put on a strong facade when inside I'm freaking out? I know I need to...for her, for my husband, for the girls, for our family... But right now, I'm having difficulty holding it together.
The uncertainty is pretty scary. Not knowing what to expect makes it hard... As I said before, she didn't have to do this last time. But... here I am praying very hard that my mom-in-law can not only beat cancer once again, but kick the living shit out of it. And prayer is a VERY powerful thing... Amen.
We found out last night, and when my husband told me, I was fighting....no, wrestling in a hand-to-hand combat style, to not burst into tears. It's his mother, after all, not mine; and I need to be strong for my husband. I need to be there to support him, and get him through his anger and disbelief so he can be there for his mom. But... but. I haven't exactly had my fair share of close relationships with mother-figures in my life. Those of you who know me well know that's true. So the extent of the closeness I feel to my mother in law is amplified quite a bit by the fact that she's been filling this gap in me for a long time now...you know, the gap that exists when one doesn't have a mother to turn to. I gab to her about everything and I love spending time with her. Her and I have gotten really close over the last three years. So it would be like losing my own mother if we lost her. And I'm terrified.
I suppose I've been terrified... Ever since they cleared her, I've been waiting for the backlash. She skated through so easily the first time...no chemo, no radiation...just the surgery. When I say "just", I mean compared to what some people deal with it's not bad. I don't mean that having your breat removed and going through a series of painful reconstructive surgeries is no biggie. I mean, we all kind of got off easy. And now, I don't know what we're in for. I don't know how to be there for her the right way, and I'm scared to find out the extent of the cancer's spread (we should know this by the end of the week, after they do an MRI and xray). And I've just always known it would come back. In the back of my mind, I always knew.
I've most always been pretty brave. Not in a "I'm not afraid of the dark" sort of way, but like "I can hold any weight squarly on my shoulders and still give my kid sis a piggy back ride" sort of way. There have been a couple exceptions... I had my moments after my brother passed away. But mostly, I can take it. But this is something I'm afraid I'm not prepared for...something I may not be able to be strong through. god never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that. But how can I put on a strong facade when inside I'm freaking out? I know I need to...for her, for my husband, for the girls, for our family... But right now, I'm having difficulty holding it together.
The uncertainty is pretty scary. Not knowing what to expect makes it hard... As I said before, she didn't have to do this last time. But... here I am praying very hard that my mom-in-law can not only beat cancer once again, but kick the living shit out of it. And prayer is a VERY powerful thing... Amen.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Kindergarten "Readiness"?
I had a moment yesterday. It was one of those moments that kind of sneaks up on you and gives you a swift kick in the ass...the kind that makes you feel like you can't breathe, makes you feel disoriented. It was the kind of moment that scares the living shit out of you, and leaves you standing there wondering what to do next.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
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