Two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to have a mastectomy and was still undergoing a series of reconstructive surgeries when my wedding rolled around in May. A few months later, she was cleared..."cancer-free" they said, with no chemo or radiation required. Her doctor said that she needed to come in every six months for checkups to make sure the cancer didn't come back. After a year of being cancer free, the insurance company refused to grant a pre-auth for a visit every six months, and said they'd only pay for an appointment with the oncologist once per year. So rather than going for her checkup six months ago, she waited like they told her to. Last week, they had to take a biopsy of a lump in the same side she had the breast removed from before. The result came back positive yesterday...it's cancer again. Now she must undergo chemo, radiation and another surgery all surrounding the marriage of her only daughter, taking place in an entirely different state no less. And apparently they could have caught it six months ago, and it would have been over by now, if the stupid insurance company hadn't done what they did. But instead, she's going to be wearing a wig to the wedding, and having surgery right after the wedding.
We found out last night, and when my husband told me, I was fighting....no, wrestling in a hand-to-hand combat style, to not burst into tears. It's his mother, after all, not mine; and I need to be strong for my husband. I need to be there to support him, and get him through his anger and disbelief so he can be there for his mom. But... but. I haven't exactly had my fair share of close relationships with mother-figures in my life. Those of you who know me well know that's true. So the extent of the closeness I feel to my mother in law is amplified quite a bit by the fact that she's been filling this gap in me for a long time now...you know, the gap that exists when one doesn't have a mother to turn to. I gab to her about everything and I love spending time with her. Her and I have gotten really close over the last three years. So it would be like losing my own mother if we lost her. And I'm terrified.
I suppose I've been terrified... Ever since they cleared her, I've been waiting for the backlash. She skated through so easily the first time...no chemo, no radiation...just the surgery. When I say "just", I mean compared to what some people deal with it's not bad. I don't mean that having your breat removed and going through a series of painful reconstructive surgeries is no biggie. I mean, we all kind of got off easy. And now, I don't know what we're in for. I don't know how to be there for her the right way, and I'm scared to find out the extent of the cancer's spread (we should know this by the end of the week, after they do an MRI and xray). And I've just always known it would come back. In the back of my mind, I always knew.
I've most always been pretty brave. Not in a "I'm not afraid of the dark" sort of way, but like "I can hold any weight squarly on my shoulders and still give my kid sis a piggy back ride" sort of way. There have been a couple exceptions... I had my moments after my brother passed away. But mostly, I can take it. But this is something I'm afraid I'm not prepared for...something I may not be able to be strong through. god never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that. But how can I put on a strong facade when inside I'm freaking out? I know I need to...for her, for my husband, for the girls, for our family... But right now, I'm having difficulty holding it together.
The uncertainty is pretty scary. Not knowing what to expect makes it hard... As I said before, she didn't have to do this last time. But... here I am praying very hard that my mom-in-law can not only beat cancer once again, but kick the living shit out of it. And prayer is a VERY powerful thing... Amen.
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