I had a moment yesterday. It was one of those moments that kind of sneaks up on you and gives you a swift kick in the ass...the kind that makes you feel like you can't breathe, makes you feel disoriented. It was the kind of moment that scares the living shit out of you, and leaves you standing there wondering what to do next.
During a conversation with my stepmom, the subject came up of Hannah starting kidnergarten in the fall. That's right... kindergarten. My little baby's going to be 5 this year...no avoiding it. Anyway, I said something about how I was trying to get her prepped for the Readiness Test in April so she'd know exactly what she needed to know when the time came. I brought up the fact that I was trying to teach her our number, and my stepmom proceeded to explain to me the urgency of that knowledge/ "About the time you're not with her is when stranger danger's gonna come around and she needs to know how to call you if she gets taken and there's a phone there. How can she do that if she doesn't know how to make a phone call?" It was something to that affect, and it triggered a panick attack. Not the immediate kind...the kind that slowly builds over the course of an hour or so. Initially my response was, yeah, you're right. Then it started getting worse. "Oh my God, she is right. How could I have overlooked that?" Then, a reality hit me that sent me right over the edge: I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREPARE MY BABY TO FACE THE WORLD. She's going off to school in less than seven months, and she's not ready. I have made the mistake of not having her involved in programs, preschool, or some other form of social activity where she could learn to interact with people regardless of how they treat her. She's going to meet mean kids in aschool and not know how to deal with them. She's going to be forced to play with boys for the first time since she was a year and a half old, and she's not going to know how to handle being pushed in the mud. (Hang on, it gets worse). She doesn't know anything about "stranger danger" because she's always been with some one, and it honestly didn't occur to me to teach her that. Her social skills aren't horrible, but they're definitely lacking. And she has no idea what she's in for. She's going to be around kids who says naughty words for the first time, have to learn the harsh reality that some kids have parents who just don't give a damn. On top of all this, I'm afraid I haven't taught her the ability to roll with the punches the way I should have. Well, maybe I have... she has adapted to the change of her first sibling's birth pretty well... But I'm afraid she won't know how to keep on keeping on, no matter what happens during her day. My biggest fear is, it may be to late to teach her a lot of these things, and I'm really upset with myself about all this.
Kindergarten "readiness"? Is there really ever such a thing? I don't think any parent is really prepared to see their baby go off to school for the first time. The time just goes by too fast. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. It feels like the end of something.... Of course, it's the beginning of something as well. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
So, anyway... the thing that ended my freak-out-moment/panic-attack/whatever was the realization that Hannah is honestly a very good kid. I don't take a lot of credit for it, because I wasn't always a great mom. But she really is a good person with a great heart, and I think it would take a lot to ruin her spirit. The rest of it, I suppose, can be learned in seven months. But that is the one thing that really matters... She's a good kid, and she always will be. Even if she gets into trouble when she starts school, or even worse trouble when she gets caught with her first beer, she'll always be good. Because that's just her. And I shouldn't worry so much.
That last part is what I keep telling myself. I'll let you know if I actually feel that way once she starts school.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Nursing Again
I'm happy to report that I am FINALLY able to breastfeed again now that I've managed to taper off the pain meds. Our first attempt was pretty hilarious, since it had been 5 days and babies forget so quickly. When I first started trying, she got this adorable little smirk on her face and looked at me like, "Really? And what I'm I supposed to do with that?" After a few minutes she finally figured it out, but stopped suckling just before the milk came. After leaking all over her for a minute, she finally figured out that if she latched back on, she would get food. Once we both got comfortable with it again, gleeful wouldn't even begin to describe her mood. It was like she was giddy that she was getting the good stuff again. I missed it too! The worst part was going without that closeness. I'd only just gotten comfortable holding her again, and I missed the snuggling. But nursing almost makes you feel the same closeness you feel during pregnancy... it's tough to explain if you haven't been there. But anyway, I'm glad to be doing it again and glad the bulk of the pain is behind me!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Darvocet
I awoke to a pounding so loud, I was certain it was taking place inside my head. I rolled over to look at the clock. I was expecting a middle-of-the-night time like 2am or something. What I saw was 7:30. The pounding continued. Then, an ear-splitting shout, so high pitched it made me wince. "You need to get up!!!" I looked around the room.... where was it coming from? And why won't that pounding stop?! Then again... "You need to get up!!!" What is going on?? I blinked a couple times, looked around some more, then laid there for a minute with my eyes open, trying to get my bearings. The pounding stopped. Ahhh, silence... I started to doze back off and then suddenly, "MOMMY! You need to get up now PLEASE! Grampa has to go do laundry and Nana's already at work. Can you get up now PLEASE?!"
I'm never taking Darvocet before bed again.
I'm never taking Darvocet before bed again.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Love and Marriage
I think I've figured it out... the answer to the question of why there are so many divorces today. I've observed friends, family, strangers, people on TV... and after much thought, I think I've come up with a reasonable hypothesis.
Over the years, the focus at home has slowly shifted from what it used to be. Back in the day, the wife stayed at home with the kids, cleaning and cooking and raising babies, while the husband went out and brought home the bacon. The wife's energy was entirely focused on the husband's happiness from the moment he walked through the door after a long day at work. Mrs. Cleaver would bring her husband his slippers, pipe and brandy while he reclined in his la-z-boy and relaxed. She would fix him dinner, tend to his needs, and listen to him talk about his day. This would give the husband the necessary ego boost he would require to feel more like a man. He was happy with her because he was getting the proper amount of attention, she was happy with her life because she was able to focus 75% of her efforts on her children and the other 25% in the evening would be enough to keep her marriage alive.
Throughout time, the role of the wife has shifted. We began wanting more of the life we were sold on television, wishing we could live in a nicer house, drive nicer cars, eat nicer foods... Eventually, the wife had to start working to supplement the income. It began with women working part time after their children started school. Then full time, then earlier in their children's lives until women were working just as much as men, if not more. They were expected to take on the role of mother, maid, cook, wife, teacher... they have all the same roles as they did fifty years ago, only now they have a forty hour work week on top of that. Most husbands have not adapted to this change. No offense, guys, but it's true. They don't cook, but may help a little around the house. Granted, this is starting to change now with women not having time to learn to cook. Whether or not they do baths and diapers depends on the man, but most of the ones I've met generally don't take care of the kids unless they absolutely have to. So this has created some resentment with the wives, because they'd mostly rather spend their time with their kids than trying to be superwoman. In choosing a forty hour workweek, they've given up close to 60 hours every week with their kids. They're missing first words, first steps... the years are flying by and they're missing it. So moms spend all their time outside of work being moms, and the wife role has almost disappeared. Husbands are feeling ignored, and wives are feeling resentment. That is the main source of the problem.
So, what do I feel like the solution is? Obviously working moms can't necessarily quit being working moms. A lot of families do need two incomes to thrive. I have two suggestions:
Option #1: Working moms quit working and head back to the home. Before you get all upset and start talking about money, consider this: The average family with two children under 5 spends $300 a week on daycare. After daycare, taxes, gas and food expenses (when I say food expenses, I mean the nights you have to get takeout as well as lunches at work) and the average working mother probably doesn't make much at all. That being said, the only thing you may be giving up in the long run is a day at the mall here and there. However, some moms are the primary breadwinner in their home. If this is the case, there's always
Option #2: Refocus your efforts. I know that kids grow up fast, and you don't want to miss any more than you're already missing. But if some effort isn't made to get back to the love you and your spouse share, their childhood memories will be of a broken home rather than a happy family. Here's what I think should happen: Talk with your husband/wife. Explain to them that no one can do it all on their own, and if you work harder to split the responsibilities down the middle, that leaves more time for "grown up" time. Efforts should be made to have at least one date night a month, where you and your spouse can go out and enjoy a grown up movie, a grown up restaurant, with out having to worry about what time you need to be home or what the kids are up to. Find a babysitter who you can rely on so you can just.... escape. Make a concerted effort to get the kids in bed earlier, so you and your hubby/wifey can spend some snuggle time on the couch. Designate a day of the week that is "Mom and Dad's day"...the kids cook dinner and do the dishes after so you and your spouse can enjoy each other's company. If you're giving up the extra time to make things better for your family, your family should be involved in making things work. Stop bending over backwards for your kids and start expecting a little something in return. This will give you the opportunity to occasionally focus on your marriage. And don't forget the importance of sex, no matter how exhausted you are. Speaking as someone with a horrible libido, I can tell you that no matter how tired or crappy you feel, once you get into it, you realize you really need it too. Once a week is a bare minimum.
With all the roles we must play... teacher, chauffeur, doctor, cook, maid, professional, mother/father, husband/wife, daughter/son.... it's easy to lock in and focus on the one we think is the most important. But we must always remember the most important thing... no matter how badly we want it not to happen, children grow up, and move away, and start families of their own. Before you know it, you may only see them twice a month, or in some cases twice a year. So what's going to happen when you wake up one day and realize you and your spouse are strangers, and you're all alone because the kids have left home? Or worse.... you realized that a long time ago and now you don't even have a husband or wife to feel that way about.
I hope I didn't go off on too long of a tangent and lose you all. Once I figured this out, I decided it was my responsibility to share it with all of you, so maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes as all the people I've observed.
Love is the only thing that can be divided endlessly without ever getting smaller.
Over the years, the focus at home has slowly shifted from what it used to be. Back in the day, the wife stayed at home with the kids, cleaning and cooking and raising babies, while the husband went out and brought home the bacon. The wife's energy was entirely focused on the husband's happiness from the moment he walked through the door after a long day at work. Mrs. Cleaver would bring her husband his slippers, pipe and brandy while he reclined in his la-z-boy and relaxed. She would fix him dinner, tend to his needs, and listen to him talk about his day. This would give the husband the necessary ego boost he would require to feel more like a man. He was happy with her because he was getting the proper amount of attention, she was happy with her life because she was able to focus 75% of her efforts on her children and the other 25% in the evening would be enough to keep her marriage alive.
Throughout time, the role of the wife has shifted. We began wanting more of the life we were sold on television, wishing we could live in a nicer house, drive nicer cars, eat nicer foods... Eventually, the wife had to start working to supplement the income. It began with women working part time after their children started school. Then full time, then earlier in their children's lives until women were working just as much as men, if not more. They were expected to take on the role of mother, maid, cook, wife, teacher... they have all the same roles as they did fifty years ago, only now they have a forty hour work week on top of that. Most husbands have not adapted to this change. No offense, guys, but it's true. They don't cook, but may help a little around the house. Granted, this is starting to change now with women not having time to learn to cook. Whether or not they do baths and diapers depends on the man, but most of the ones I've met generally don't take care of the kids unless they absolutely have to. So this has created some resentment with the wives, because they'd mostly rather spend their time with their kids than trying to be superwoman. In choosing a forty hour workweek, they've given up close to 60 hours every week with their kids. They're missing first words, first steps... the years are flying by and they're missing it. So moms spend all their time outside of work being moms, and the wife role has almost disappeared. Husbands are feeling ignored, and wives are feeling resentment. That is the main source of the problem.
So, what do I feel like the solution is? Obviously working moms can't necessarily quit being working moms. A lot of families do need two incomes to thrive. I have two suggestions:
Option #1: Working moms quit working and head back to the home. Before you get all upset and start talking about money, consider this: The average family with two children under 5 spends $300 a week on daycare. After daycare, taxes, gas and food expenses (when I say food expenses, I mean the nights you have to get takeout as well as lunches at work) and the average working mother probably doesn't make much at all. That being said, the only thing you may be giving up in the long run is a day at the mall here and there. However, some moms are the primary breadwinner in their home. If this is the case, there's always
Option #2: Refocus your efforts. I know that kids grow up fast, and you don't want to miss any more than you're already missing. But if some effort isn't made to get back to the love you and your spouse share, their childhood memories will be of a broken home rather than a happy family. Here's what I think should happen: Talk with your husband/wife. Explain to them that no one can do it all on their own, and if you work harder to split the responsibilities down the middle, that leaves more time for "grown up" time. Efforts should be made to have at least one date night a month, where you and your spouse can go out and enjoy a grown up movie, a grown up restaurant, with out having to worry about what time you need to be home or what the kids are up to. Find a babysitter who you can rely on so you can just.... escape. Make a concerted effort to get the kids in bed earlier, so you and your hubby/wifey can spend some snuggle time on the couch. Designate a day of the week that is "Mom and Dad's day"...the kids cook dinner and do the dishes after so you and your spouse can enjoy each other's company. If you're giving up the extra time to make things better for your family, your family should be involved in making things work. Stop bending over backwards for your kids and start expecting a little something in return. This will give you the opportunity to occasionally focus on your marriage. And don't forget the importance of sex, no matter how exhausted you are. Speaking as someone with a horrible libido, I can tell you that no matter how tired or crappy you feel, once you get into it, you realize you really need it too. Once a week is a bare minimum.
With all the roles we must play... teacher, chauffeur, doctor, cook, maid, professional, mother/father, husband/wife, daughter/son.... it's easy to lock in and focus on the one we think is the most important. But we must always remember the most important thing... no matter how badly we want it not to happen, children grow up, and move away, and start families of their own. Before you know it, you may only see them twice a month, or in some cases twice a year. So what's going to happen when you wake up one day and realize you and your spouse are strangers, and you're all alone because the kids have left home? Or worse.... you realized that a long time ago and now you don't even have a husband or wife to feel that way about.
I hope I didn't go off on too long of a tangent and lose you all. Once I figured this out, I decided it was my responsibility to share it with all of you, so maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes as all the people I've observed.
Love is the only thing that can be divided endlessly without ever getting smaller.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Post-Surgical Ramblings
Welcome to my new Blog! It is here that I will spend my time relaying the events of my life to you all. I will begin with my most recent run in with the world of medicine...
Last week, Dr. Danburi performed a gallbladder removal on yours truly. (At least, I'm pretty sure that was his name. Every time I met him, I was on some type of pain medication.) Such a trivial surgery, really, compared to some... and yet I was having an anxiety attack prior to it that warranted injecting my IV with Verset (happy drugs). I'm starting to heal, I can tell because I have this undying need to tear off the first few layers of my skin and scratch what lies beneath. I can also tell because a real meal sounded good today for the first time in a week. A tilapia fillet and a side of whole grain spaghetti. Mmmmm. It actually tasted REALLY good. Almost as good as the chocolate pudding that was my first solid-ish food in the hospital. After several days of nothing but clear liquids, chocolate pudding is like a feast!
As for the non-food side of things.... The vicodin is good. :o) Actually, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of the buzz. Being constantly stoned for three days straight... I don't know how people live like this. I've cut back on the number of pills and the frequency at which I take them, and I'm doing okay as far as pain management goes. Less queasy too.
My biggest complaint (aside from not being able to snuggle my little snugglekins) is that I'll be sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then suddenly my eyes start rolling back in my head and before I know it, they're offering me a pillow! It happened earlier today with Mike's dad. He was talking to me, and seemingly out of the blue asked "Do you need to lay down?" "Is it that obvious?" was my response. The answer was a chuckled "yes" and so I decided I must have fallen asleep with my eyes open (or maybe closed for all I know... this WAS before I cut back on my vicodin). So I took that as my cue to nap for a little over two hours. I awoke feeling groggy, but much better...which seems to be the story every time. I wonder how much longer the sudden bouts of exhaustion will last?
Some of you may be wondering exactly how this FEELS. I am missing an organ after all, and it must be weird to be without an organ. Well, to respond to your curiosity, YES it feels weird. I feel like there's an empty space there....and empty space that hurts. I think I can show you exactly where it used to be. The weirdest thing is, they pulled it out through an incision that's about an inch in diameter. Maybe an inch. And it had 25-30 bee-bee sized stones in it. I'd like to know how it fit. I have a hunch as to which one it was removed through, simply because the one by my sternum is severely bruised, where the others are not so much. Out of the four incisions, it hurts the worst by far. This could be because of the gravitational pressure from my breasts as well...tough to say. I'm just glad it's over and I'm on the road to recovery and, thus far, no adverse side effects. A little indigestion, but as I understand it, that's entirely normal the first couple weeks til the body adjusts to not having a bile pump anymore. Nothing that I've eaten has really made me sick though, so I think I'm going to be okay.
On the upside of everything, I'm now being forced to eat low fat foods (at least for the next couple weeks) and I'm steadily on the skinny-jeans road because of it. I feel thin for the first time since October of 2008. And maybe I'm not THIN per say, but I'm almost thin. I couldn't tell you exactly how much I weigh right now because I'm not sure. Before I went on a three-day clear liquid diet in the hospital, I was about 152. That was prior to surgery as well. So, I could be a few pounds lighter now. I'll find out at my follow up in 2 weeks how much weight this whole ordeal has caused me to lose. It's the silver lining, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible. If I'm lucky, by mid March, I'll be able to fit into my size 8 jeans again... Then I can be hot for my sister-in-law's bachelorette party! Hoorah!
On a slightly less vain note, my little ones are doing well. Hayley is so close to crwaling it's not even funny (yes, she did just turn 4 months, but she's very strong!), but for the mean time she's settling with rolling around the living room. She's finally able to fuss herself to sleep, mostly because she's become a full-blown thumb-sucker. It's cute as the dickens....but then again, ask me how I feel about it a year or two from now. She's getting baptized in March, and I'm really excited for that! Hannah is doing very well with her kindergarten preparations. We're getting pretty excited for kindergarten roundup in April, followed by her FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY. That's right, five years old already. I don't know where it went, either. All I know is she's the most beautiful 5 year old I've ever met, and I'm SO proud of her. We'll be having a big birthday party to celebrate this "landmark" birthday, so stay tuned for info on that!
Mike is still slow at work, but him and I are slowly starting to climb out of this slump we've been in for the last couple months. He's been amazingly understanding through all that's happened, and he's done his best to take care of me any way he can. Hopefully, I'll start feeling good enough now to take care of him once in a while :o)
Well, my eyes are starting to have difficulty adjusting and focusing again, so any second my narcoleptic ass will start dozing off and I'll wind up waking up with my a space bar imprint on my forehead. SO, I should probably draw this to a close. Good night, God Bless, Thank you for reading... and here are a few words of wisdom a dear friend passed along to me, which I will now share with you:
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS: The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer....................................
........................................ is the taste.
Last week, Dr. Danburi performed a gallbladder removal on yours truly. (At least, I'm pretty sure that was his name. Every time I met him, I was on some type of pain medication.) Such a trivial surgery, really, compared to some... and yet I was having an anxiety attack prior to it that warranted injecting my IV with Verset (happy drugs). I'm starting to heal, I can tell because I have this undying need to tear off the first few layers of my skin and scratch what lies beneath. I can also tell because a real meal sounded good today for the first time in a week. A tilapia fillet and a side of whole grain spaghetti. Mmmmm. It actually tasted REALLY good. Almost as good as the chocolate pudding that was my first solid-ish food in the hospital. After several days of nothing but clear liquids, chocolate pudding is like a feast!
As for the non-food side of things.... The vicodin is good. :o) Actually, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of the buzz. Being constantly stoned for three days straight... I don't know how people live like this. I've cut back on the number of pills and the frequency at which I take them, and I'm doing okay as far as pain management goes. Less queasy too.
My biggest complaint (aside from not being able to snuggle my little snugglekins) is that I'll be sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then suddenly my eyes start rolling back in my head and before I know it, they're offering me a pillow! It happened earlier today with Mike's dad. He was talking to me, and seemingly out of the blue asked "Do you need to lay down?" "Is it that obvious?" was my response. The answer was a chuckled "yes" and so I decided I must have fallen asleep with my eyes open (or maybe closed for all I know... this WAS before I cut back on my vicodin). So I took that as my cue to nap for a little over two hours. I awoke feeling groggy, but much better...which seems to be the story every time. I wonder how much longer the sudden bouts of exhaustion will last?
Some of you may be wondering exactly how this FEELS. I am missing an organ after all, and it must be weird to be without an organ. Well, to respond to your curiosity, YES it feels weird. I feel like there's an empty space there....and empty space that hurts. I think I can show you exactly where it used to be. The weirdest thing is, they pulled it out through an incision that's about an inch in diameter. Maybe an inch. And it had 25-30 bee-bee sized stones in it. I'd like to know how it fit. I have a hunch as to which one it was removed through, simply because the one by my sternum is severely bruised, where the others are not so much. Out of the four incisions, it hurts the worst by far. This could be because of the gravitational pressure from my breasts as well...tough to say. I'm just glad it's over and I'm on the road to recovery and, thus far, no adverse side effects. A little indigestion, but as I understand it, that's entirely normal the first couple weeks til the body adjusts to not having a bile pump anymore. Nothing that I've eaten has really made me sick though, so I think I'm going to be okay.
On the upside of everything, I'm now being forced to eat low fat foods (at least for the next couple weeks) and I'm steadily on the skinny-jeans road because of it. I feel thin for the first time since October of 2008. And maybe I'm not THIN per say, but I'm almost thin. I couldn't tell you exactly how much I weigh right now because I'm not sure. Before I went on a three-day clear liquid diet in the hospital, I was about 152. That was prior to surgery as well. So, I could be a few pounds lighter now. I'll find out at my follow up in 2 weeks how much weight this whole ordeal has caused me to lose. It's the silver lining, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible. If I'm lucky, by mid March, I'll be able to fit into my size 8 jeans again... Then I can be hot for my sister-in-law's bachelorette party! Hoorah!
On a slightly less vain note, my little ones are doing well. Hayley is so close to crwaling it's not even funny (yes, she did just turn 4 months, but she's very strong!), but for the mean time she's settling with rolling around the living room. She's finally able to fuss herself to sleep, mostly because she's become a full-blown thumb-sucker. It's cute as the dickens....but then again, ask me how I feel about it a year or two from now. She's getting baptized in March, and I'm really excited for that! Hannah is doing very well with her kindergarten preparations. We're getting pretty excited for kindergarten roundup in April, followed by her FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY. That's right, five years old already. I don't know where it went, either. All I know is she's the most beautiful 5 year old I've ever met, and I'm SO proud of her. We'll be having a big birthday party to celebrate this "landmark" birthday, so stay tuned for info on that!
Mike is still slow at work, but him and I are slowly starting to climb out of this slump we've been in for the last couple months. He's been amazingly understanding through all that's happened, and he's done his best to take care of me any way he can. Hopefully, I'll start feeling good enough now to take care of him once in a while :o)
Well, my eyes are starting to have difficulty adjusting and focusing again, so any second my narcoleptic ass will start dozing off and I'll wind up waking up with my a space bar imprint on my forehead. SO, I should probably draw this to a close. Good night, God Bless, Thank you for reading... and here are a few words of wisdom a dear friend passed along to me, which I will now share with you:
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS: The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer....................................
........................................ is the taste.
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