Love and Marriage

I think I've figured it out... the answer to the question of why there are so many divorces today. I've observed friends, family, strangers, people on TV... and after much thought, I think I've come up with a reasonable hypothesis.

Over the years, the focus at home has slowly shifted from what it used to be. Back in the day, the wife stayed at home with the kids, cleaning and cooking and raising babies, while the husband went out and brought home the bacon. The wife's energy was entirely focused on the husband's happiness from the moment he walked through the door after a long day at work. Mrs. Cleaver would bring her husband his slippers, pipe and brandy while he reclined in his la-z-boy and relaxed. She would fix him dinner, tend to his needs, and listen to him talk about his day. This would give the husband the necessary ego boost he would require to feel more like a man. He was happy with her because he was getting the proper amount of attention, she was happy with her life because she was able to focus 75% of her efforts on her children and the other 25% in the evening would be enough to keep her marriage alive.

Throughout time, the role of the wife has shifted. We began wanting more of the life we were sold on television, wishing we could live in a nicer house, drive nicer cars, eat nicer foods... Eventually, the wife had to start working to supplement the income. It began with women working part time after their children started school. Then full time, then earlier in their children's lives until women were working just as much as men, if not more. They were expected to take on the role of mother, maid, cook, wife, teacher... they have all the same roles as they did fifty years ago, only now they have a forty hour work week on top of that. Most husbands have not adapted to this change. No offense, guys, but it's true. They don't cook, but may help a little around the house. Granted, this is starting to change now with women not having time to learn to cook. Whether or not they do baths and diapers depends on the man, but most of the ones I've met generally don't take care of the kids unless they absolutely have to. So this has created some resentment with the wives, because they'd mostly rather spend their time with their kids than trying to be superwoman. In choosing a forty hour workweek, they've given up close to 60 hours every week with their kids. They're missing first words, first steps... the years are flying by and they're missing it. So moms spend all their time outside of work being moms, and the wife role has almost disappeared. Husbands are feeling ignored, and wives are feeling resentment. That is the main source of the problem.

So, what do I feel like the solution is? Obviously working moms can't necessarily quit being working moms. A lot of families do need two incomes to thrive. I have two suggestions:

Option #1: Working moms quit working and head back to the home. Before you get all upset and start talking about money, consider this: The average family with two children under 5 spends $300 a week on daycare. After daycare, taxes, gas and food expenses (when I say food expenses, I mean the nights you have to get takeout as well as lunches at work) and the average working mother probably doesn't make much at all. That being said, the only thing you may be giving up in the long run is a day at the mall here and there. However, some moms are the primary breadwinner in their home. If this is the case, there's always

Option #2: Refocus your efforts. I know that kids grow up fast, and you don't want to miss any more than you're already missing. But if some effort isn't made to get back to the love you and your spouse share, their childhood memories will be of a broken home rather than a happy family. Here's what I think should happen: Talk with your husband/wife. Explain to them that no one can do it all on their own, and if you work harder to split the responsibilities down the middle, that leaves more time for "grown up" time. Efforts should be made to have at least one date night a month, where you and your spouse can go out and enjoy a grown up movie, a grown up restaurant, with out having to worry about what time you need to be home or what the kids are up to. Find a babysitter who you can rely on so you can just.... escape. Make a concerted effort to get the kids in bed earlier, so you and your hubby/wifey can spend some snuggle time on the couch. Designate a day of the week that is "Mom and Dad's day"...the kids cook dinner and do the dishes after so you and your spouse can enjoy each other's company. If you're giving up the extra time to make things better for your family, your family should be involved in making things work. Stop bending over backwards for your kids and start expecting a little something in return. This will give you the opportunity to occasionally focus on your marriage. And don't forget the importance of sex, no matter how exhausted you are. Speaking as someone with a horrible libido, I can tell you that no matter how tired or crappy you feel, once you get into it, you realize you really need it too. Once a week is a bare minimum.

With all the roles we must play... teacher, chauffeur, doctor, cook, maid, professional, mother/father, husband/wife, daughter/son.... it's easy to lock in and focus on the one we think is the most important. But we must always remember the most important thing... no matter how badly we want it not to happen, children grow up, and move away, and start families of their own. Before you know it, you may only see them twice a month, or in some cases twice a year. So what's going to happen when you wake up one day and realize you and your spouse are strangers, and you're all alone because the kids have left home? Or worse.... you realized that a long time ago and now you don't even have a husband or wife to feel that way about.

I hope I didn't go off on too long of a tangent and lose you all. Once I figured this out, I decided it was my responsibility to share it with all of you, so maybe you can avoid making the same mistakes as all the people I've observed.

Love is the only thing that can be divided endlessly without ever getting smaller.