Decompress; De-stress

I just realized my last post was back in October. So my followers, you faithful few: Without further ado....

I've been quite busy with school, family drama, kids, etc... Too busy, apparently, to remember much of anything else. I rarely think to pee when I need to, much less update my blog. Which brings me to the focus of my writing today - DECOMPRESSION.

DECOMPRESSION, according to the most reliable Wikipedia, is defined as the release of pressure; something which I have not had the opportunity to do in some time. The occasional (and brief) visit with a girlfriend here and there certainly helps, but I need away. I need time. I need to be without distraction, without noise, and without demand for an extended period of time. (A spa weekend would be lovely, and would certainly do the trick. But, really, who has that kind of money??)

I tried meditation, a sort of vacation experience right in your living room, but found I had much too difficult a time focusing on relaxing that I wound up more stressed than when I began, and resorted to eating half a dozen Valentine's chocolates instead. I tried playing my guitar, which was fun for a few minutes, but then I got frusterated that I couldn't remember half the songs I used to, and decided having a bowl of ice cream would be a much better way of coping with my stress level. Sometimes it helps me de-stress to talk to a long-distance friend on the phone, but we usually wind up talking about (and drooling over) things that sound good to eat, so I wind up back in the kitchen. I'm not sure why I haven't gained weight accordingly, but I've been eating my weight in junk food on a daily basis. I really need to find a better way of dealing with this, I think...

I'm very excited for the upcoming MegaMeet in May (upcoming...yet sooooo far away!). This will give me the opportunity to be SOMEWHERE ELSE, sans-kids, sans-husband, sans-drama (drama and Shannan just plain don't go hand-in-hand, which is why I love her so much. She's like a constant breath of fresh air)... It will be exactly what I need to keep myself from going nuts. Which I haven't been doing lately. At all.

It's been so long since I felt like I could just relax. The last time I had an extended break from being Mommy 24/7 was when I had my gallbladder out last January. And as little as that sounds like a vacation, I actually kind of enjoyed the silence. That was the only time someone else has taken care of Hayley for longer than a couple hours since she's been born (aside form MegaMeet last year...which I don't really count because the hubby called me every couple hours). I love my little munchkin, but I'm being drained of all vitality and youth here!

I probably sound like the world's worst mom, and that's okay. I know I love my kids, and I know they mean the world to me and that I'd do anything for them. And they know that too, which, let's face it, that's the most important thing. Now, if you'll excuse me... I hear a brownie calling my name. ~*PEACE*~

The Little Red Button

Inside my head, buried deep in the crevice between left brain and right, hides a little red button. It's my SELF DESTRUCT button, and underneath it hangs a sign that reads (in bold print, I might add) DO NOT PUSH. To me, these instructions are simple to follow. Obviously, if you push the button something bad is bound to happen. BUT...I also have a tiny little troll living in my head, and we all know trolls are not ones to follow simple instructions, or adhere to what is considered socially acceptable or politically correct.

So as it happens, this tiny little troll, who we'll call Chris (because the biggest ass I ever met in my life was named Chris) LOVES calamity...LIVES for chaos. And sometimes, just to screw with me, he sneaks up and he PUSHES that damn button! For example: Three-and-a-half years ago, I was waiting for my now-husband, then-boyfriend to ask me to marry him. I knew he had the ring, I knew he was going to propose...it was just a matter of when. And I was fine with waiting... Sure, it was hard, but I knew he was going to do it. So who cares when, right? We went out on St. Patty's day because my MIL took Hannah for the weekend. I was positive this was when he was going to ask me. We had a great time...one of our best dates ever. We get home (after drinking several glasses of green beer, I might add), and suddenly, Chris pushed my red button. He had to have pushed it several times, too, because I suddenly turned into Mr. Hyde on my poor now-husband, then-boyfriend. And I couldn't stop either. It was like watching a train wreck...like I was floating outside myself, watching me harass him and yell at him and push his buttons and I just wanted to slap that crazy bitch and say SHUT UP, STUPID! YOU'RE GONNA SCARE HIM AWAY! But I was powerless, so I just floated there, watching the havoc wreaked by that little bastard Chris.

I could reminisce on twenty or thirty examples just like this, but suffice to say, that Chris has screwed me over many, many times. Sometimes he pushes it when things are going well (which pisses me off even more), but sometimes he does it when things are already CRAPPY. Then he just makes everything colossally worse.

Like this past Saturday, when Mike and I had a fight. It was a simple fight to begin with...but the moment he started hinting at the idea that he wasn't as happy as he used to be, Chris snuck up and pushed my button. And suddenly I find myself saying things with the intent of pushing him away. Some people may think this is a defense mechanism (you're frightened so you try and end it first so you don't get surprised/kicked in the balls/have your heart ripped out), but I'm pretty sure it's just that nasty little shit screwing with me. So here I am, trying to induce divorce, when Mike gets mad and storms out of the house, and I hop in the shower, giving me time to counteract the self-destruct process. The fight wound up lasting for a day and a half, before I finally told him I didn't want to fight anymore, and we both agreed that was best.

Sometimes Chris pushes my button when I'm having a conversation...just to see what stupid thing will come out of my mouth. Like at interviews, or when I'm visiting with my in-laws. And I can't stop it. The crap just keeps spewing out of my mouth. And I know I should stop, but I can't.

So there you have it...a confession detailing my biggest quirk - a mythical figure living in my brain with an affinity for raising hell.

You...

You've crossed my mind a lot lately. It doesn't take much to stop me dead in my tracks... your favorite song on the radio, a sudden breeze, a glorious sunset... Seems I'm thinking about you all the time these days. I really miss you, although it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to remember you. I remember things, but I can't remember you. I can recall jokes that made you laugh, things that made you cry, how much you loved adventure and drawing and playing guitar. But I can't quite grasp the color of your eyes... can't really remember what your voice sounded like, or your laugh. It's getting harder for me to recall what you looked like towards the end of your life. In fact, I don't even think I can really remember what you looked like the last time I saw you. How long was your hair? What were you wearing? What shape were your glasses? Did you smile? All I remember was giving you that sketchbook and some pencils for a belated birthday gift and you starting a picture for me that, to my knowledge, was never finished. I miss our talks. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I lay there wishing I could talk to you again. It's getting harder as the years go by, I think. In just about a week, it'll be nine years since you left us. With every birthday, every Christmas, I miss you a little more.... and with every birthday, and every Christmas, a little more of my memory of you fades. It's almost to the point where you don't quite seem real to me anymore. Like you were just a dream I had once....a dream I loved so much, but never really knew how to show it. I remember hugging you once. We were at Pappy's...remember? I remember I had told Dad how much it bothered me that I never said I loved you, and that I couldn't remember the last time I even tried to hug you, which seemed silly because I was closer to you than almost anyone else. So you got up to leave dinner, and I stood up and demanded that you hug me. You weren't the happiest about it on the outside, but I really think on the inside, you were smiling. Dad asked me later if I felt better and I said, "you betcha". That didn't even begin to explain it. Anyway.... I just wish I could see you...talk with you. I have dreams about you sometimes, but you're always so elusive. Usually it's just a brief cameo, a flash of my subconscious, and you're gone. I wonder if it's your way of telling me all is well, and you're doing just fine. It's never easy for me to think about you. Sometimes I still blink back the tears. It's definitely not easy to talk about you. Your name gets caught in my throat still... like it's been rolled in pieces of glass and it causes me physical pain to actually utter it. So when Hannah found your picture the other day, and asked who you were, I was so tempted to lie to her. I wasn't ready to tell her, not yet. didn't even know how. she's only five, and it's not something she can ever understand, much less at five. I looked frantically at Mike, not knowing what to say or how to react. He looked at her, quite calmly, and said, "That's your Uncle Josh." Hannah said, "Have I ever met him?" And Mike said, "No, sweetie, and you never will. Josh is in Heaven with God." She said, "Because he died?" Mike just said, "Yes, sweetie, because he died." I don't know how, or why, but for some reason, she chose to leave it at that. She mentioned that Nana's mommy and daddy were with God too, then started looking at other pictures. You would love her so very much... She's amazing. Even when she's being unbelievably bratty, it's still awe-inspiring how clever she is. She's so quick to understand things and eager to learn. She reminds me of you like that. You were always so smart.... and eager.... it's easy to tell she's your niece. I wish you could meet both my girls, and Mike. It's so hard for me to accept that someone who was such a big part of my life, for my whole life up till the summer before senior year of high school, will never know the people who now have become my whole world. I want you to know I miss you. I want you to know that my life...all our lives...are different without you. I want you to know that I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved you...no one should ever have to live their life not knowing for sure whether or not they're loved. Most of all, I want you to know that I would have saved you if I could. I would have done anything....ANYTHING.... to save you if I could. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope, with everything I am, that somewhere, somehow, you've finally found some peace. I love you, Josh... Goodnight, rest well...

Once upon a time...

....She was my best friend, my confidant, my other half. We could go days or weeks without talking and still know that the moment one of us picked up the phone, the other would be there with a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and a bottle of wine. We were going to be the ones whose friendship stood the test of time, survived romances and breakups, and overcame any obstacles together. We were like sisters, but in a different, more personal way. We relied on each other for anything and everything. She was the one person I believed would never let me down. When she decided to move away for a year, I supported her in her decision so much so that, when she told me she wanted to stay for me because she would miss me and Hannah too much, I told her if she didn`t go out and live her life and experience new things she would regret it forever. So she moved someplace far, far away. We talked all the time and I missed her unberably, but I took comfort in knowing it was a brief thing, that she`d be home very soon. Then she started talking differently and I soon realized that she wouldn`t be home so soon... she was starting to make friends and wanted to stay another year to see what happened. And then there was...him. Not only has he managed to convince her that he`s enough for her, he makes her feel guilty for needing anyone else in her life. She now only calls me when she`s depressed and missing us to the point of tears. But despite the fact that it breaks my heart a little more each time, and despite the fact that i fall into a deep funk for days after, i will always pick up the phone, because underneath it all, she`s still the same girl I`ve known since I was thirteen. Wild horses couldn`t drag me away from her, and it`s going to take more than a controlling piece of shit with a nice face and smooth words to seperate us. Because when you love someone the way i've love her for so many years, it takes all the power of the sun to pry them out of your heart. But aside from loving her, all i can do is pray like crazy thet she finds the right path and ultimately returns to the awesome person she once was...no matter how hard it may be, i have to let go.

Oh, Crop!!!

This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!

Oh, Crop!!!

This coming weekend promises to be an awesome one for me! Most (I wish ALL) of my most favorite ladies will be attending a scrapbooking party at my house. We`re going to "crop til we drop"! I don`t get to work on my scrapbooks often because of the kids, so I am way excited for this! Unfortunately, I don`t get a break from the kids. But at least it`s going to happen, and there should be like 12 people here so it`s going to be fun! Hannah is excited to... not so much that she will have a little boy to play with, but because she`s going to have a chance to learn how to get even better at scrapbooking (yes, she scrapbooks. You can totally tell a little kid did it, but she loves to do it nonetheless!). I just can`t wait!

It's been a while...

I can't believe my last blog was posted on May 26th!! I'm such a slacker!

Things have been changing rapidly in our house over the past few weeks. But where do I begin? Let's start with Hannah:

Hannah learned how to tie her shoes last week. This was quite a feat for her, and I have my friend Ashley Pond to thank for it. She's a teacher and she uses a little rhyme to teach her kids to tie their shoes: "Shoelace 1, Shoelace 2, Over, under, through. Bunny ear, Bunny ear, Over, under through!" As soon as Hannah memorized this rhyme, she had it down. It was awesome! She's also starting to become more interested in girly stuff. She wants to play dress-up, do make-up and have tea parties. She's playing with barbies and stuff more too. It seems our little tomboy is growing up into a sassy little sweetheart! It's so much fun to watch her develop into the wonderful little lady she's becoming!

Hayley has made a few new accomplishments as well. She started on meats, which she's none too excited about and spits them back out at me every chance she gets. But it's what's for dinner, so she eventually eats some of it! Today she started dancing when the music came on for the Local on the 8's on the Weather Channel. She was totally rocking out! Hands up in the air, head bobbing, body wiggling type of rocking out! It was soooo cute. Then, shortly after that, she decided she wanted to play with sis and stood up using the coffee table to see what sis was up to. When she realized she was two feet away from her, she started using the table to help her walk down to where the action was! She's never actually cruised before, and we were pretty excited about it!

It's so much fun to watch them play together. The older they both get, the better they are at interacting on a fun and adorable way. Hayley climbs all over Hannah, chewing on her and drooling on her and screaming giggles, and Hannah laughs so hard she almost pees herself! My girls... the highlight of most every day!

On the subject of me, and how I'm doing... It's getting better all the time. Now that the weather is nice, we've been getting out a lot more, which is good for my mentality. It was a long, difficult winter being locked up in the house with the girls 24/7. But, it is getting better. We're starting to have a little extra money (not much, but some) so we can actually go places once in a while. Hannah and I went to garage sales last Friday, and it was incredibly good for both of us to just be out of the house all day.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately as well. It's been over a month now since I've been to church, and that bothers me. Not that I feel I need to be in church to talk to God, but being around other people who are all involved in worship gives one a certain feeling of closeness to Him that you don't necessarily find anywhere else. Sometimes I like to just stand outside and look around. It's beautiful out here during the summer, and it reminds me of exactly what God is capable of, especially when I hear the laughter of my little ones in the background. I've been reading the Bible on occasion as well, something I hadn't really done a lot of before.

Aside from the religious side of soul searching, I've been thinking about myself as a person and how I've developed over the past 10 years. It occurred to me yesterday that I'm not necessarily happy with the person I've become. Sure, I'm a pretty nice lady and all... but I feel I've become somewhat jaded. Maybe even a little cynical. I frequently doubt the goodness in people, and think things about people that I shouldn't. It amazes me that 10 years ago, I was a girl with very strong opinions... I believed that peace on earth was possible, and that love is love no matter what form it comes in, and that every person on this planet deserves to be treated fairly and equally, regardless of race, religion or lifestyle. I can't help but wonder what happened to that girl. I know things are not as black-and-white as they seem to a 16 year old girl. I'm not silly enough to think that I had it all right back then. But I can't figure out where my opinions changed so drastically, or ever why. I suppose I started watching too much news, listening to other people too much, allowing others to form my opinions for me. I read this book not too long ago that made me dramatically question my beliefs about several things. And I think I've come to a conclusion: That 16 year old girl was much closer to being right about life than this 25 year old woman. I'm not saying she knew more, but she was more fair, and much more kind. As I strive to reconnect with the person I used to be, I rely heavily on music and prayer to keep me centered. I'm hoping that my friends and my family can come along for the ride as well.

"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."
~Peace Pilgrim

"A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood." ~Rachel Carson