The last couple of weeks have been like a giant roller coaster for me. One minute I'm happy as can be, walking on air, confident that tomorrow will be even better than today. The next, I'm practically in tears. No, I'm not bipolar...at least I don't think I am. I can pinpoint the outside influences that are making me feel this way, so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe I let them get to me more than I should, but that's just how I am.
Hayley is getting so big. A week and a half ago, she decided to up and quit nursing. It was very out of the blue for me, even though I realized she was getting less interested in latching on and more interested in her ba-ba, which allowed her to see around the room during feeding time. It's a good thing, I suppose. It was easy on her to switch to the bottle, there was no being up all night crying or anything like that, so I suppose I should be grateful. But the fact of the matter is, it left me incredibly depressed. I miss that bond, and I can't believe eight months have gone by so quickly. She's becoming less dependant on me, which is the natural order of things of course.... but that doesn't make it any harder for me. My baby experience with Hayley was the exact opposite of the one I had with Hannah. I was sur eof myself and what I was doing, and everything has gone much smoother... this gave me the opportunity to just let go and bond with her. This is not to say that I love Hayley more...just that I loved her sooner. With Hannah, I couldn't wait till she was bigger, so I could quit nursing (she had the most painful latch) and not feel guilty. I couldn't wait to not have to carry her around everywhere, and have her constantly looking to me for answers I didn't feel I could give. Well, over the past five years, I have grown more comfortablle in my role as mommy. (Of course I bitch sometimes... don't we all? But I am very thankful for my babies, regardless of anything.) Now that I am comfortable in that role, I feel it allows me to just enjoy motherhood rather than constantly worrying whether or not I'm good at it, or whether or not I'm doing it right. So now that I've learned to take a step back and enjoy it, it's heartbreaking to me that Hayley is growing out of her infancy so quickly. She already throws tantrums, for crying out loud. I wasn't prepared for that! It definitely took me by surprise when, upon having a newspaper pried from her fingers, she proceeded to throw herself onto the floor, kicking and screaming, for a solid two minutes. At eight months. Something tells me I'm in for quite a ride.
Another change that has prompted my fluxuating mood is the fact that I am now faced with being forced to return to full-time employment outside the home. From the beginning of my first pregnancy, we decided I would stay at home with the kids and return to college, allowing me to get my degree and start my career upon Hannah's entrance into kindergarten. When we had Hayley, I was not only prepared to wait longer to begin my career, I was sold on it. I hate the idea of sending my little baby to daycare. I understand people do this everyday, all of the time... but when you've been a stay-at-home-mom for so long, the prospect of returning to work can be more than intimidating. And the idea of not being around my little ones (specifically Hayley who is learning to do so much and changes drastically every single day) so I can go off to work for 45 hours a week makes me want to cry. I've seen what it does to other moms to not have that time with their children, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, on the same hand, I must do what I must do to take care of my family. We're having difficulty making ends meet right now, so I've got to go. There seems to be no other option at this point. It's ruining my marriage and putting way too much stress on the whole family for us to be in such financial turmoil. I just pray that I can find something VERY soon.
I've been having family issues in other ways as well. My relationship with my parents has become.....strained. I don't really want to go into it too much, but suffice to say that my father and I didn't really speak for like a week, which is the longest we'bve ever gone, and the reasons behind this have affected our relationship... changed it somehow... It's not quite as cozy-warm-and-fuzzy feeling as it used to be. I think it could get better again, but it may not. And I can't help but think how much I'll miss the way it was if it doesn't bounce back.
We had Hannah's birthday party last weekend as well. My baby is five. She's been five for like a month now, but it didn't really sink in until we through a big party for her. I've gone into detail in past blogs about how this makes me feel, so I don't really feel I need to reiterate. Let's just say, it's been a tough time for me. When your child rolls her eyes at you for freaking out when she trips and falls, it's probably time to let go. She's ready to be a big girl, to be a kindergartener, and I just need to step back and let her.
"Just" seems to be the word of the month, and it's JUST difficult for me to JUST let go and let God. I can tell everyone else that till I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to follow my own advice. I feel broken-hearted and loved at the same time. I feel hopeful, yet distraught. I'm happy, even though this big part of me wants to be sad, and I'm sad even though a lot of me wants to be happy. It's a very confusing time for me right now, and I'm having difficulty adjusting. BUT....at this point... I JUST need to.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France
